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Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 9,798
JBryan Offline OP
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SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?

Juan on Juan.


What is a Yankee?

The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.


What is the difference between a Harley and a
Hoover?

The position of the dirt bag.


Why is divorce so expensive?

Because it's worth it.


What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's
mouth?

One US leader.


What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends
over?

Doughnuts.


Why is air a lot like sex?

Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting
any.


Why is Chelsea Clinton so homely?

Because Janet Reno is her real father.


What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50
politicians in a room together?

100 people who don't do dick.



SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE PART II (JUST WARMING
UP!)



What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever.


What do attorneys use for birth control?

Their personalities.


What's the difference between a girlfriend and
Wife?

45 lbs.....


A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in
third grade. Who has the biggest boobs?

The blonde, because she's 18.


Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?

Because they have cotton balls.


What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?

A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.


What did the blonde say when she found out she was
pregnant?

Are you sure it's mine?"


What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer
Nuts?

Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a
buck.


Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?

Mace will do that to you.


Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

Breasts don't have eyes.


Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?

He walks around saying "Yo."


Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck
schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?

Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class
uses it.



SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE, PART III (Just Great
Stuff)


What's the Cuban National Anthem?

"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"


Where does an Irish family go on vacation?

A different bar.


What would you call it when an Italian has one arm
shorter than the other?

A speech impediment.


What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office
is flying at half-mast?

They're hiring.


What's the difference between a southern zoo and a
northern zoo?

A southern zoo has a description of the animal on
the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".


How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word?

Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell
*BINGO*!


What's the difference between a northern fairytale
and a southern fairytale?

A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this ****..."


Why is there no Disneyland in China?

No one's tall enough to go on the good rides


Better to light one small candle than to curse the %&#$@#! darkness. :t:
Piano & Music Accessories
Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 14,266
Yikes! 10000 Post Club Member
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Yikes! 10000 Post Club Member
Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 14,266
laugh


TNCR. Over 20 years. Over 2,000,000 posts. And a new site...

https://nodebb.the-new-coffee-room.club

Where pianists and others talk about everything. And nothing.
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 1,192
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Posts: 1,192
I'm offended


"A print of the score has everything you need to know about the music, except the essential."
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 1,192
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Posts: 1,192
smile


"A print of the score has everything you need to know about the music, except the essential."
Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 271
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Posts: 271
How do you stop a clown from laughing?
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
Hit him in the face with an ax.

Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 862
T
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T
Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 862
laugh laugh Holy sweet Jebus!!!!! That was funny Mitch!

Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 271
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Posts: 271
I heard that one years ago. So lame, yet I couldn't stop laughing!

Joined: Mar 2003
Posts: 404
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Posts: 404
How You can tell the blonde was playing on the computer?

The joystick is on the seat.


lucian
"more I learn,less I know"

piano tuner/technician (sort of..... wink )
Joined: May 2001
Posts: 7,051
K
7000 Post Club Member
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K
Joined: May 2001
Posts: 7,051
I am shocked and RuPauled! eek

Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 1,484
1000 Post Club Member
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Posts: 1,484
A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."

He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right." To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."

"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!"

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"

She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either screw him or bake him a cake."

He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"

She replied, "Hellooooo... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"

Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 1,484
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Posts: 1,484
What's the definition of mixed emotions?


When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your brand new car.

Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 9,798
JBryan Offline OP
9000 Post Club Member
OP Offline
9000 Post Club Member
Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 9,798
What, you mean Betty Crocker isn't a slut?


Better to light one small candle than to curse the %&#$@#! darkness. :t:
Joined: Sep 2004
Posts: 180
R
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R
Joined: Sep 2004
Posts: 180
What is the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.


I have a new mistress. She's black and curvy and pretty and sounds great and has great legs. I call her "Petrof".
Joined: May 2001
Posts: 1,031
Dan Offline
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Posts: 1,031
A hiker comes up to a river. While looking around for a way to cross, he happens to notice a blonde on the other bank.

"Hey" he yells, "How do I get to the other side?"

The blonde takes a long look down the river. Then a long look up the river. Finally, she yells back "You're already ON the other side"

======================
Great thread jb smile

Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 126
P
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P
Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 126
Wasn't I the one who got absolutely drained with comments to remove my Bill Gates joke?

And mentioned a shaft?

????

Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 1,161
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Posts: 1,161
You guys are all going to heck!! You know that, don't you?! :rolleyes:


(watch this space)
Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 1,484
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Posts: 1,484
I love blonde jokes.....

A blonde had a near death experience the other day when she went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. She tried with all her might to hang on, but was thrown off. With her foot caught in the stirrup, she fell head first to the ground. Her head continued to bounce on the ground as the horse did not stop or even slow down. Just as she was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the walmart manager came out and unplugged it.

Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 9,798
JBryan Offline OP
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9000 Post Club Member
Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 9,798
She is lucky she didn't have to ride out the whole quarter.


Better to light one small candle than to curse the %&#$@#! darkness. :t:
Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 1,484
1000 Post Club Member
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Posts: 1,484
A blonde walks up to a soda machine and a man walks up right behind her. The blonde studies the machine then puts in 50 cents, presses, "Coke", and a coke drops out. She sits it down and begins to study the machine again. She puts in 50 cents, presses, "Dr. Pepper", and a Dr. Pepper drops out. She sits it down and begins to study the machine again. While a little annoyed, the man behind says nothing. She puts in 50 cents, presses, "7-Up", and a 7-Up drops out and she begins to study the machine again.

At this point, the man behind her says, "EXCUSE ME, but are you finished with this machine?" She turns and says in her most indignant voice, "Duh, I'm still winning.."

Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 271
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Posts: 271
Quote
Originally posted by Improviso:
A blonde walks up to a soda machine and a man walks up right behind her. The blonde studies the machine then puts in 50 cents, presses, "Coke", and a coke drops out. She sits it down and begins to study the machine again. She puts in 50 cents, presses, "Dr. Pepper", and a Dr. Pepper drops out. She sits it down and begins to study the machine again. While a little annoyed, the man behind says nothing. She puts in 50 cents, presses, "7-Up", and a 7-Up drops out and she begins to study the machine again.

At this point, the man behind her says, "EXCUSE ME, but are you finished with this machine?" She turns and says in her most indignant voice, "Duh, I'm still winning.."
laugh laugh Hee hee hee! Best one I've heard in a long time.

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