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The conductor was holding forth to the orchestra about how this passage should evoke a feeling of the spring air wafting through the trees and across the valley, taking on a pungent fragrance as it passes through the farm fields and then dissipating as it reaches the distant hills. The concertmaster says, "Just tell us if you want it loud or soft."
When you throw a viola into the garbage without hitting the sides
What you are is an accident of birth. What I am, I am through my own efforts. There have been a thousand princes and there will be a thousand more. There is one Beethoven.
A musical director wasn’t happy with the performance of one of the percussionists. Repeated attempts to get the drummer to improve failed. Finally, in front of the orchestra, the director cried in frustration, "When a musician can’t handle their instrument, they give him two sticks and make him a drummer!" A whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can’t handle that, they remove one of his sticks and make him a conductor."
A musical director wasn’t happy with the performance of one of the percussionists. Repeated attempts to get the drummer to improve failed. Finally, in front of the orchestra, the director cried in frustration, "When a musician can’t handle their instrument, they give him two sticks and make him a drummer!" A whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can’t handle that, they remove one of his sticks and make him a conductor."
Sir Thomas Beecham was always ready with quips, some more repeatable than others. I'll start with the unrepeatable ones first (as is my wont):
To an under-performing female cellist, “Madam, you have between your legs an instrument capable of giving pleasure to thousands – and all you can do is scratch it.”
"The trouble with women in an orchestra is that if they are attractive it will upset my players, and if they are not it will upset me."
“Brass bands are all very well in their place – outdoors and several miles away.”
A musician playing the tuba made a deep shake on the wrong note. Beecham requested, “Thank you, and now would you pull the chain?”
“The English may not like music, but they absolutely love the noise it makes.”
During a stage production of which he was not much of a fan, a live horse had a walk-on part. As it was led onto the stage, the horse defecated, at which Beecham said: “Gentlemen, that horse is not only an actor, it is also a critic.”
Asked his opinion of a university setting up a chair of musical criticism, “If there is to be a chair for critics, I think it had better be an electric chair.”
"There are two golden rules for an orchestra: start together and finish together. The public doesn't give a damn what goes on in between."
"Composers should write tunes that chauffeurs and errand boys can whistle."
"A musicologist is a man who can read music but can't hear it."
"I didn’t know he’d been knighted. I knew he had been doctored."[on Sir Malcolm Sargent]
"Why do we have all these third rate foreign conductors around when we have so many second rate ones of our own?"
Choirmaster: "Sir Thomas, what do you think of Stainer's Crucifixion?" Sir Thomas: "I'm all for it".
Upon being asked if he'd ever conducted any Stockhausen: "No, but I once trod in some."
Beecham was once visited in his dressing room after a concert by an attractive young lady admirer. "Sir Thomas" she asked, "I've been a fan of yours for years. I wonder - would you be so kind as to consider being the godfather of my child?" "Madam" he replied, "I'd be delighted. But... why bring God into it?"
A soprano in Massenet's Don Quixote complained that she had missed her entry in the aria, "because Mr. Challiapin always dies too soon." "Madam, you must be profoundly in error," said Sir Thomas, "No operatic star has yet died half soon enough for me."
"I have just been all round the world and have formed a very poor opinion of it."
'The sound of a harpsichord – two skeletons copulating on a tin roof in a thunderstorm. '
I think this is a classical music joke,,, because it was told by John Cage in his album with David Tudor titled "Indeterminacy". And by the way, this is one of my favorite jokes of all time (told in paraphrase)
A fellow colleague ended up in a mental hospital.
There was a chess board in the ward, and a lot of patients were playing a LOT of chess.
He decided to play a few games with a patient. But the patient kept correcting him about what move would have been better, and about how end games work.
He said, "If you think I came to the nut house to learn how to play chess, your crazy!".
Some music jokes, not necessarily classical, and possibly already told on this forum.
A gentleman is someone who can play the trombone, but doesn't do it.
Three notes, C, E flat and G, walk into a bar. The barkeeper tells them: Sorry, we don't serve minors.
During the theory part of the entry exam for music conservatory, the professor asks the applicant: "What is the subdominant of F Major?" To which the applicant replies: "What do you mean? F Major is the subdominant."
My grand piano is a Yamaha C2 SG. My other Yamaha is an XMAX 300.
Not a joke per se, but this video is from a British TV game show '3-2-1' from the 80s:
The audio isn't the best quality so here's a transcript:
Ted Rogers: "This is a composer. German by birth, English by adoption. Best known for an oratorio published in 1741. It was called Messiah. You're bound to know his handle." Female contestant: (presses buzzer) "Oh God, I used to have it at school... Handel's Water Music..." Ted Rogers: "Well, so who's the composer?" Female contestant: "Chopin?" (audience shrieks in disbelief) Ted Rogers: (shrugs shoulders and turns to other team) "So I can offer it to you." Male contestant: "Beethoven?"
