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Posted By: DutchTea Hurt Feelings - 12/16/18 01:20 AM
I began learning piano at 57 years old and now, 2 years later, I'm doing okay. Not great, but I enjoy playing. This whole time, my husband has never said one word, either positive or negative, about it. I figure he is just tolerating me. Well just now, he hurt my feelings. I know it's dumb, but it was like a jab in my heart. I have a book I am using that has a cd of the music. It helps me to know what how the piece is supposed to sound. Well, I started one of the songs and he came up the stairs right at that moment and said with laughter, 'I thought, wow, she's doing a lot better!' I didn't even know what to say at that point. I just closed up the piano and went somewhere to cry for a bit. I think it was the laughing that got to me and the fact that he didn't try to even fix what he said. I'll get over it. Maybe I'll go back and play something really loud and really awful.
Posted By: Tyrone Slothrop Re: Hurt Feelings - 12/16/18 01:26 AM
Originally Posted by DutchTea
I began learning piano at 57 years old and now, 2 years later, I'm doing okay. Not great, but I enjoy playing. This whole time, my husband has never said one word, either positive or negative, about it. I figure he is just tolerating me. Well just now, he hurt my feelings. I know it's dumb, but it was like a jab in my heart. I have a book I am using that has a cd of the music. It helps me to know what how the piece is supposed to sound. Well, I started one of the songs and he came up the stairs right at that moment and said with laughter, 'I thought, wow, she's doing a lot better!' I didn't even know what to say at that point. I just closed up the piano and went somewhere to cry for a bit. I think it was the laughing that got to me and the fact that he didn't try to even fix what he said. I'll get over it. Maybe I'll go back and play something really loud and really awful.

I don't even no what to say about that. That's just horrible. I hope you don't decide to quit piano because of this. Just remind yourself you are playing for you, and not for him!
Posted By: DutchTea Re: Hurt Feelings - 12/16/18 01:44 AM
Nope. I won't quit. I love to play too much.
Posted By: BB Player Re: Hurt Feelings - 12/16/18 02:01 AM
I obviously don't know the relationship with your husband and whether or not he's supportive of your playing or you in general.

Having said that, I wouldn't let it bother me overmuch. The truth is we ask an awful lot of our families/partners when we play the same bar over, and over and over so a little jab as "payback" for the hours of listening to you practice seems like a small price to pay.

I usually try to vary my practice routine between true "practice" where I'm working on something new and "performance" where I'm playing something I can play well so I don't put too much of a burden on those who share the house with me. Even with that, I get the occasional "boy, I'm glad that's over".
Posted By: NobleHouse Re: Hurt Feelings - 12/16/18 02:02 AM
Spouses can really be rude, and not even realize it. Don't quit-get even-by continuing to play and get better every day!
Posted By: Ted Re: Hurt Feelings - 12/16/18 02:21 AM
The issue has nothing to do with music as such or how well you play, but is concerned with manners and common courtesy. If the remark was merely hastily tactless it was bad enough; if it was deliberate it was a lot worse. Regardless of objective standards a spouse's endeavours should always be given encouragement. I agree with the others' posts in that, difficult as it seems, your best course is to forget the comment and concentrate even harder on enjoying your music to the full, with or without his approval. I have found, over the years, that the underlying cause of comments such as his is frequently based in envy.
Posted By: Tyrone Slothrop Re: Hurt Feelings - 12/16/18 02:42 AM
Originally Posted by Ted
I have found, over the years, that the underlying cause of comments such as his is frequently based in envy.

I think it is sad that the subject of "envy" is even arising in talking about spousal relations... But then again, we see all sorts of spousal relationships, including one which the people in the US are in the front row for (i.e. Kellyanne Conway & George Conway). So I suppose spousal relationships come in all flavors.
Posted By: BruceD Re: Hurt Feelings - 12/16/18 02:53 AM
While this issue is tangentially piano related, this seems hardly the forum for airing spousal differences. Whatever support and encouragement this forum might give, this is an issue that has to be worked out between husband and wife. Support, if needed, should come from those close to those involved, not from strangers who don't know the dynamics of the relationship.

Regards,
Posted By: DutchTea Re: Hurt Feelings - 12/16/18 03:11 AM
Thank you, everyone, I'm feeling better now. Interesting varied comments. I do think there probably is an element of envy since he doesn't play. And also an element of annoyance that I interrupt his quiet time. Knowing him, he does like to tease so there's that too. I guess I'll give him a pass this time, but I certainly would like some of that encouragement. Maybe I'll talk with him about it. He can be oblivious to things that matter to me. It's nothing personal, it's just how he is.

Thanks again!

(edit: just read that last comment. Well, now I feel awful again. Airing my spousal disagreements in public?! Wow. Sorry to have offended.)
Posted By: 90125 Re: Hurt Feelings - 12/16/18 03:17 AM
Originally Posted by BruceD
Support, if needed, should come from those close to those involved, not from strangers who don't know the dynamics of the relationship.

Why are you saying that strangers couldn't help?

I mean this situation is very obvious: they should discuss installing the silent system in their acoustic or buying a digital and practicing with the headphones.

Why is OK for professional musicians to use the word "woodshedding" for their practice, but nobody should use it towards an amateur musician?

I remember long time ago there was mail order electronics catalogue called DAK Industries (I think the founder was Drew Alan Kaplan). On the outside pages of that catalog they would sell infrared wireless headphones. The catalog number was "Marriage Saver", exactly like I spelled here. Was it wrong to offer it like that?
Posted By: johnstaf Re: Hurt Feelings - 12/16/18 03:18 AM
I've often had similar things said to me. It was never belittling, so I've always found it funny.

The opposite has happened as well. I used to be very self conscious about playing, and when there was nobody home I'd let myself loose on the piano. One day, many years ago, my mother was out and I didn't hear her come home. She said she thought it was a recording.

I have no doubt that you'll be mistaken for a recording too. These things happen in their own time.
Posted By: thepianoplayer416 Re: Hurt Feelings - 12/16/18 03:32 AM
Playing piano or any music instrument is a personal thing. My family is into business. When there is a family gathering all we would talk about is financial matters. It's always take care of your bank account first. I play my music practically everyday. This is something I wouldn't discuss at the dinner table. Coming from a non-musical family doesn't help. A number of people in the family have taken lessons but they are just focused on their career at this point. Nobody really has any appreciation for music-making (playing music) besides just turning on the radio and let the music play.

Fortunately I'm playing with a music group. Whenever we have get-togethers like before Christmas, somebody would be at the piano and someone else would be singing sort of thing. Of course we all want the people closest to us to appreciate our music playing but not everybody is into music. At least I have a group of like-minded people that I socialize with regularly.

I've enrolled in group music classes for adults before. At least I met people who are interested in music. I don't have to be around people who would only talk about money all the time.
Posted By: Peter K. Mose Re: Hurt Feelings - 12/16/18 03:42 AM
Playing/learning the piano for most adults is an intensely private - yet not silent - endeavor. It is very difficult to share this learning process with another family member. Sometimes awkward humor or teasing is the result.

Hubby was trying to bridge a gap with his joke; instead he widened a gap.

Maybe tomorrow DutchTea will wish to discuss this with him. Or else just forget it and carry on. Or practice only when alone.
Posted By: pianoMom2006 Re: Hurt Feelings - 12/16/18 03:56 AM
When you are first learning to play piano it's hard to find support because beginner piano can be hard on a loved one's ears. When my son first started piano, my husband and ILs were very negative about his playing. My MIL used to tell me that my husband would complain about how much the noise bothered him. Over time and as he improved the negative comments dwindled. I bet you'll find the same.
Posted By: thepianoplayer416 Re: Hurt Feelings - 12/16/18 04:03 AM
In the beginning, many of us don't sight-read our pieces that well. It takes a while to learn a piece and to others around us it's a distraction. Fortunately I have a keyboard at home and I usually keep the volume low or put on headphones. Now that my playing improved I still keep the volume low when I'm practicing. Some piano have a switch by the foot pedal that allows you to lower the sound when practicing.

By the time you feel comfortable playing a few pieces people can relate to they'd appreciate your music.
Posted By: Zaphod Re: Hurt Feelings - 12/16/18 04:16 AM
Or... jut simply give him a psychological slap by waiting until he does something and telling him a variation of the comment he gave to you. Sometimes I do this to people. It lets them know that if they trip me up, I trip them up right back. Whether we carry on tripping each other up is up to them. Not very subtle I grant you but can bring people in to line quickly, if you fancy the strict approach.

Alternatively, have we really thought carefully about what he meant? It's hard to defend him, but I feel like we should try and check if this isn't a clumsy social faux-pas. More of a spur of the moment "wisecrack" than a well thought out joke. He was basically just being a prat for a minute. Perhaps a misjudgement. Perhaps he's feeling awful about it.

Or - perhaps not. You be the judge. I'm sure we've all made a backfiring wisecrack or two in our time.

Perhaps just ask him about it? If it was a backfiring wisecrack and you kind of lash out back at him, then you might risk yourself being the one that ends up getting it wrong.

Depends what kind of relationship you two have that determines your next move on this, without knowing you both reasonably well I would have thought it's quite hard for us to judge his context. Only you can guess that.

Originally Posted by DutchTea
'I thought, wow, she's doing a lot better!'


Example. I know it's a reach, but are you sure he wasn't laughing at the fact that he thought it was you playing, and not actually anything to do with you and your practise? So "Oh I'm such a prat, for a moment I thought it was her playing" - in other words laughing at himself?

Only you know really what he meant but just raising the point that with some people, this situation could be possible.
Posted By: cmb13 Re: Hurt Feelings - 12/16/18 04:25 AM
I might have said something like that to a family member as a joke, and they might have said it to me - we’re a thick skinned, joking bunch and can see the humor in such a comment without getting offended. I might have played a recording and said to my wife, “getting better, right?”

Anyway, I don’t know the tone of the comment or the relationship or personality types, so it’s impossible to make an informed comment on the interaction, but it wouldn’t have bothered me. However, if it really bothers you, you might want to talk to him about it a little. Maybe he needs an aural break. Maybe it was just a quip with no significant meaning at all. I am careful not to overdo my piano practice time. I wouldn’t assume he’s jealous, he may have no interest in piano at all.

Finally, we all have thoughts going into an interaction that color the perception of a remark, sometimes inappropriately.
Posted By: DFSRN Re: Hurt Feelings - 12/16/18 05:22 AM
“Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner.”—Lao Tzu
I am nervous playing in front of others, it is better now. My husband would say why can't you play in front of others or play something when people come over. You've been taking almost 5 years. I tell him, when you start taking lessons and playing in front of people then we can discuss this issue. Has not happened yet.
Posted By: cmb13 Re: Hurt Feelings - 12/16/18 05:39 AM
We can always count on Deb for some good wisdom! One thing, though, Deb is that I began to play for others this year, at about 5 yrs, and like doing it. That is why I feel it important to develop and maintain a small, level appropriate repertoire to be able to play a least a few favorites of yours at any time. Two years (OP) may be early for this though.
Posted By: peterws Re: Hurt Feelings - 12/16/18 06:00 AM
Originally Posted by DutchTea
I began learning piano at 57 years old and now, 2 years later, I'm doing okay. Not great, but I enjoy playing. This whole time, my husband has never said one word, either positive or negative, about it. I figure he is just tolerating me. Well just now, he hurt my feelings. I know it's dumb, but it was like a jab in my heart. I have a book I am using that has a cd of the music. It helps me to know what how the piece is supposed to sound. Well, I started one of the songs and he came up the stairs right at that moment and said with laughter, 'I thought, wow, she's doing a lot better!' I didn't even know what to say at that point. I just closed up the piano and went somewhere to cry for a bit. I think it was the laughing that got to me and the fact that he didn't try to even fix what he said. I'll get over it. Maybe I'll go back and play something really loud and really awful.


I had to laugh out loud myself when I read this!
Men's humour is still intact, after all the snowflakes have done to stop it!

I guess by now he'll be suitably contrite (might well have cost him a bunch of flowers or more) and all will be restored. But if he isn't, put him in his place. Make him pay!
Women will never understand men.
Men will never, ever understand women.

Our brains, and therefore perceptions, are different. I for one, am glad about that.
Posted By: DDobs Re: Hurt Feelings - 12/16/18 06:24 AM
I thought the original post was really sad. No one should be treated that way.

I would tell your husband how his comment made you feel.
Posted By: Osho Re: Hurt Feelings - 12/16/18 07:23 AM
I don’t know the dynamics of your relationship - so hard to judge the situation. What is normal/acceptable in one relationship can be completely rude/impolite in another.

I am sorry to hear that your feelings got hurt. Hopefully, you will have a good communication to clear out the situation. I wish you the best that you will continue to play the piano and keep getting better!

I agree with others that piano sounds can be hard on spouses. I inject my spouse and kids to piano sound - and it can’t be fun for them to listen to bad playing again and again (which is bound to happen to any pianist when learning newer/harder stuff). I would suggest that a cheap digital piano with headphones may be helpful if space and money permits.

Osho
Posted By: gp84 Re: Hurt Feelings - 12/16/18 07:39 AM
Originally Posted by DFSRN
“Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner.”—Lao Tzu


+1
Posted By: Sibylle Re: Hurt Feelings - 12/16/18 10:04 AM
It's not as simple as "don't take it personally". Of course LaoTzu's wisdom is, well, wise (d'oh), but it's not at all helpful to feel bad about feeling bad on top of feeling bad in the first place! Human emotions aren't logical or practical, and rarely follow reason.

That's OKAY. No reason to beat yourself up over it.

I'd say acknowledge that you're hurt. Let's face it, a lot of us - especially us non-professionals - have an inferiority complex as it is, so the last thing we need is someone else to reinforce it. In a quiet moment, maybe you could bring it up with him. Acknowledge that you realise he probably didn't mean to be hurtful and only thought of it as a light-hearted remark, but that it really hit close to home. And ask him to refrain from such remarks in the future.

I'm glad to hear this doesn't put you off playing. The idea that we need to be perfect, or at least really good at something in order to be justified in doing it, keeps way too many people from pursuing their passion.
Posted By: ericco Re: Hurt Feelings - 12/16/18 11:20 AM
It's difficult to say anything useful here, without knowing you both. This is clearly an advantage of digital pianos: you can practice the same measure over and over without worrying about bothering anyone.

The quote about your husband is arguably rather mild. It may very well be that he was being playful, but it is difficult to say without knowing the tone.

If that serves of some comfort, you should hear my wife mocking me when I practice the alto recorder. She has a comprehensive collection of flamboyant and elaborate insults (e.g., "that screeching sound is killing my eggs and renderng me sterile, but it's alright because it will spare any future children of bearing the pain to hear your awful playing"). They are so over the top, that they become funny and they often lead to outbursts of laugh from both of us, when she finds an ingenious new one.
Posted By: dmd Re: Hurt Feelings - 12/16/18 11:45 AM
Originally Posted by DDobs
I would tell your husband how his comment made you feel.


Totally agree.

No need to characterize his comment as mean or uncaring.

If he knows how it makes you feel, he will take what he perceives as appropriate action.

What that action is depends upon your relationship with him.
Posted By: Handyman Re: Hurt Feelings - 12/16/18 11:50 AM
Buck up - if you can't handle the fact that as a beginner you can't quite play a piece as well as the person who made a professional demo recording of it then you have deeper and more serious problems (personally or with your spousal relationship) than can be diagnosed and cured by all the amateur psychologists here at PW - he thought you had improved - the fact that you hadn't is not his fault - nor are the hurt feelings - there is no cause or justification for hurt feelings here - you both should have had a good laugh about the honest misunderstanding...move on and knuckle down.
Posted By: TomInCinci Re: Hurt Feelings - 12/16/18 12:15 PM
I live in a hostile practice environment. It's one of the reasons why I don't think I will ever have an acoustic piano. For what it's worth, I would love to only have to tolerate some humor about my progress...

The volume control and the headphones are my friends. Sometimes I have a passage that I have to practice hundreds of times before my fingers will even cooperate enough to press the right keys. I'm pretty sure you could break a hardened POW by piping a recording of some of my practices into his cell.
Posted By: cmb13 Re: Hurt Feelings - 12/16/18 12:16 PM

Originally Posted by ericco


The quote about your husband is arguably rather mild. It may very well be that he was being playful, but it is difficult to say without knowing the tone.


Exactly what I was thinking.



Originally Posted by ericco

If that serves of some comfort, you should hear my wife mocking me when I practice the alto recorder. She has a comprehensive collection of flamboyant and elaborate insults (e.g., "that screeching sound is killing my eggs and renderng me sterile, but it's alright because it will spare any future children of bearing the pain to hear your awful playing").



Hilarious!
Posted By: Handyman Re: Hurt Feelings - 12/16/18 12:21 PM
Originally Posted by Tyrone Slothrop

I think it is sad that the subject of "envy" is even arising in talking about spousal relations... But then again, we see all sorts of spousal relationships, including one which the people in the US are in the front row for (i.e. Kellyanne Conway & George Conway). So I suppose spousal relationships come in all flavors.


It's not really necessary to mention specific examples - especially if they're sadly and pathetically politically motivated...this is a Piano Forum, and not a "Bust Someone Connected to the Current American Administration Forum".
Posted By: dmd Re: Hurt Feelings - 12/16/18 12:23 PM
Originally Posted by Handyman
Buck up - if you can't handle the fact that as a beginner you can't quite play a piece as well as the person who made a professional demo recording of it then you have deeper and more serious problems (personally or with your spousal relationship) than can be diagnosed and cured by all the amateur psychologists here at PW - he thought you had improved - the fact that you hadn't is not his fault - nor are the hurt feelings - there is no cause or justification for hurt feelings here - you both should have had a good laugh about the honest misunderstanding...move on and knuckle down.



Could not agree more.

The fact that you have an acoustic piano that you practice on regularly and your husband is able to make a "playful" comment about your playing is a good thing.

In addition to telling him about how you feel about his comment, you may wish to ask him to tell you how he feels about your practicing daily on your piano.

Give and Take ….
Posted By: Beemer Re: Hurt Feelings - 12/16/18 01:28 PM
I find that occasionally playing pieces that I know my wife likes goes a long way to her accepting pieces I like to play.

Ian
Posted By: dmd Re: Hurt Feelings - 12/16/18 01:32 PM
Originally Posted by Beemer
I find that occasionally playing pieces that I know my wife likes goes a long way to her accepting pieces I like to play.

Ian



Of course.

That is Relationship Building 101.

Give and Take.


Posted By: Tyrone Slothrop Re: Hurt Feelings - 12/16/18 02:02 PM
Originally Posted by Handyman
It's not really necessary to mention specific examples

Oops. Point taken!

Originally Posted by Handyman
especially if they're sadly and pathetically politically motivated...this is a Piano Forum, and not a "Bust Someone Connected to the Current American Administration Forum".

Ah monsieur, you've gotten me wrong- I feel an urge to separately hug each of them and say to them together: "Can't we all just get along?"
Posted By: malkin Re: Hurt Feelings - 12/16/18 02:24 PM
Aww, sorry you ended up feeling bad.

I have on occasion felt vulnerable, frustrated, and incompetent when practicing piano, but I am perfectly able to generate these feelings all on my own. It's possible that your hubby's remark came at a time with you were feeling vulnerable, hence the sting.
Posted By: PianoWVBob Re: Hurt Feelings - 12/16/18 02:27 PM
In a relationship (like a husband and wife) two things really help keep relations on an even keel:

1.) Give the other person the benefit of the doubt when you don't actually KNOW their intent when they say something.

2.) IF you feel slighted...talk to them about how you feel and WHY.


I play horribly and if my spouse made a joke about it I'd probably laugh at this point but if in a year or two when I'm playing better if she said something joking about it I'd ask her what she meant right then and there. That way we don't have unresolved feelings between us because the relationship is #1; all else is second...piano included.

Sometimes spouses can make jokes that are (to them) harmless but the other person takes it differently.

Clear the air, talk to him, tell him how you feel about your skill level and how hard you work to try and sound good and that his words did hurt your feelings.

That would be my advice.
Posted By: Tyrone Slothrop Re: Hurt Feelings - 12/16/18 02:32 PM
Originally Posted by PianoWVBob
Clear the air, talk to him, tell him how you feel about your skill level and how hard you work to try and sound good and that his words did hurt your feelings.

That is such wise advice!
Posted By: dmd Re: Hurt Feelings - 12/16/18 02:56 PM
Originally Posted by PianoWVBob
In a relationship (like a husband and wife) two things really help keep relations on an even keel:

1.) Give the other person the benefit of the doubt when you don't actually KNOW their intent when they say something.

2.) IF you feel slighted...talk to them about how you feel and WHY.


I play horribly and if my spouse made a joke about it I'd probably laugh at this point but if in a year or two when I'm playing better if she said something joking about it I'd ask her what she meant right then and there. That way we don't have unresolved feelings between us because the relationship is #1; all else is second...piano included.

Sometimes spouses can make jokes that are (to them) harmless but the other person takes it differently.

Clear the air, talk to him, tell him how you feel about your skill level and how hard you work to try and sound good and that his words did hurt your feelings.

That would be my advice.


This is the advice you might pay $250 per hour for during counseling session.

We all probably need to heed it more often.
Posted By: DutchTea Re: Hurt Feelings - 12/16/18 03:21 PM
I see this is still going strong. At first (after I calmed down and someone here mentioned that this isn't the place for this conversation), I wanted to delete this thread. The admin wisely advised that we just let it play out (and for me to think better about starting this kind of discussion next time!). So, I shut my eyes and hoped it would go away.

Then this morning I read all these great comments. Wonderful thoughtful advice from everyone. My husband is still oblivious that he hurt my feelings (I do intend to say something at the right moment), and I'm still happily married, 30 years next April. I do want to edit one thing that I said. The envious part. He's not that way. He was just kidding me. Sometimes that kidding gets to be annoying, but we all have our down sides, right?

Well, thanks again. smile
Posted By: dmd Re: Hurt Feelings - 12/16/18 03:38 PM
Originally Posted by DutchTea
…... He was just kidding me. Sometimes that kidding gets to be annoying ...


Absolutely true.

If you tell him that, I think it will be effective and healing in nature.

In that same moment you may wish to get some input from him on how he "feels" about your practicing on an instrument that he can hear throughout the house.

I know I mentioned that before but I think it might be a good time to do that, also.

Give and Take … 3hearts
Posted By: DDobs Re: Hurt Feelings - 12/16/18 03:47 PM
"Buck up - move on and knuckle down."

Exhibit A in how not to respond to an expression of someone's feelings.
Posted By: Stubbie Re: Hurt Feelings - 12/16/18 04:49 PM
Originally Posted by dmd
.............In that same moment you may wish to get some input from him on how he "feels" about your practicing on an instrument that he can hear throughout the house.

I know I mentioned that before but I think it might be a good time to do that, also.

Give and Take … 3hearts
I have been thinking about this a lot lately. I practice every day (see my signature line) and on an acoustic piano. I practice in a room with the door closed to the main house, but I know (from listening to Mr. Stubbie play) that the door doesn't make all that much difference in the volume level. We have a digital, but it has problems and should be replaced. Maybe it's time to pull the trigger on purchasing a replacement. Much as I love my acoustic piano, I do recognize that it's always "on."

For those of us who spend a fair amount of time at practice, dmd makes a good point.
Posted By: 90125 Re: Hurt Feelings - 12/16/18 06:57 PM
Originally Posted by DutchTea
I'm still happily married, 30 years

Well, congratulations! And hoping for at least next 30.

It's better to deal with the problem now, when it is still small. You wouldn't want to hear, when the inevitable happens, the testament executor to read:

Quote
For my beloved wife M.P.:
her beloved Kawai baby grand.
PERIOD.


That would really hurt, wouldn't it? wink
Posted By: Bett Re: Hurt Feelings - 12/16/18 07:48 PM
M.P. The first 4 sentences of your post could have been written by me, except I started at 60. I have had the TV volume turned up in the next room and the door closed on me. So I decided a while back to play on my digital with ear phones when he is close, and the acoustic when he is out or the other end of the house. My encouragement comes from my teacber, who is pretty much my only audience. But I love learning piano like you. I really hope your husbands comment was a poorly timed attempt at humour, which for some reason hit a nerve. Carry on!
Posted By: malkin Re: Hurt Feelings - 12/16/18 08:07 PM
I think this forum is a fine place to talk about all our piano related feelings!
Posted By: Handyman Re: Hurt Feelings - 12/16/18 08:28 PM
Originally Posted by DDobs
"Buck up - move on and knuckle down."

Exhibit A in how not to respond to an expression of someone's feelings.


Actually, this response is the exact one needed here (although not the one necessarily wanted) - there is no valid reason for negative "feelings" - the only reaction warranted is perhaps laughter at the unintentional misunderstanding - anything else is simply unjustifiable hypersensitivity...

If she had asked him to sit down in the piano room, and then had first played the professional recording of the piece, and then had played it herself, and then had asked him for his honest opinion of what he thought, what do you suppose he would have said (in all honesty)? Would there have been worse feelings then?

He was trying to pay her a compliment, and he's oblivious to the "insult" because he didn't intend one and there's no logical reason to think that there could have been one - being "hurt" because someone thinks you've improved and sound better is not the response called for or expected here.

IOW, Buck up, knuckle down and move on - then someday soon the live performance and the recording will match...
Posted By: Sibylle Re: Hurt Feelings - 12/16/18 08:42 PM
Originally Posted by Handyman

Actually, this response is the exact one needed here (although not the one necessarily wanted) - there is no valid reason for negative "feelings" - the only reaction warranted is perhaps laughter at the unintentional misunderstanding - anything else is simply unjustifiable hypersensitivity...

Since when is hypersensitivity unjustifiable - or even needs to be justified? It just is what it is.

Look up HSP or high sensitivity. It's *normal* and not a choice. Just as little as some people bruising more easily than others.

Get off people's backs when they're already hurt ("if you can't say anything nice..." and all that). Jeez.
Posted By: piano_primo Re: Hurt Feelings - 12/16/18 09:03 PM
This is a good thread, anyone would feel hurt by a off the cuff comment by another when serious effort is made. It doesn’t have to be a spouse either -or a man.
Or -not even about music or piano...
I work in a profession where many times effort far exceeds recognition or a “wink and a nod”.
In fact,[-in my case-] the effort is usually evaluated against unrealistic standards of rules and regs.
You can imagine the kooky people doing evals and some even enjoying –what I consider- an over-fastidious job. -AKA healthcare management.
I call them wannabees [lol] & bettadanyou kinda folks.

But in your case, thankfully, it doesn’t seem that way.
Actually, it sounds like he has a good sense of humor, but at the wrong time.


I used to sing casually, and once was told … “You can sure sing, just not songs”.

So, Good Luck with playing and practice!

P.S. I’d try to make the goal here of "pretending to care" what someone says instead of “paying the dues” so to speak.
Posted By: piano_primo Re: Hurt Feelings - 12/16/18 10:26 PM
Originally Posted by piano_primo_1



I used to sing casually, and once was told … “You can sure sing, just not songs”.





I mean around the house or in a bar drinking --not a professional---.
Posted By: ˆTomLCˆ Re: Hurt Feelings - 12/16/18 10:46 PM
Originally Posted by Handyman
Originally Posted by Tyrone Slothrop

I think it is sad that the subject of "envy" is even arising in talking about spousal relations... But then again, we see all sorts of spousal relationships, including one which the people in the US are in the front row for (i.e. Kellyanne Conway & George Conway). So I suppose spousal relationships come in all flavors.


It's not really necessary to mention specific examples - especially if they're sadly and pathetically politically motivated...this is a Piano Forum, and not a "Bust Someone Connected to the Current American Administration Forum".


+1. Thank you,
Posted By: DFSRN Re: Hurt Feelings - 12/16/18 11:35 PM
CMB, people come over and my husband says play something, I just practice for my lesson. He told me, "you don't know how stupid it sounds when you say your taking lessons for 5 years and can't play." I guess it does, it not a guess it sounds bad, I would have to ask someone who stated that, where do you take lessons and still can't play? I am going to work on a couple of songs to play. That is a great idea. I just can't open a book and play. I am playing a duet for Christmas with my teacher, it is 4 hands two pianos song. I have been working on this since this summer. I hired him to play for the yearly party I give my family for Christmas. Thanks for your post.
Posted By: cmb13 Re: Hurt Feelings - 12/17/18 01:29 AM
Sure, Deb! (To the OP, Sorry to take this off topic, but hey, that's what we do!).

As to how to do this, and sorry if I'm reiterating, pick a few pieces you like, that you can already play, and play them every day for a few days, then enter them into a rotation. Try to play them each once or twice a week. Then of the new ones you learn, if you feel you like one enough to keep it in your own personal repertoire, add it to the rotation.

I have some business cards with the name of the piece written on the back in sharpie, and rotate through the stack, one to three pieces per day, to keep them fresh. I'm not always good about it, in fact I slacked off while learning this tough (for me) nocturne, but I'll come back to the system.

See The Repertoire Vault for more ideas and info.
Posted By: malkin Re: Hurt Feelings - 12/17/18 02:24 AM
Originally Posted by DFSRN
CMB, people come over and my husband says play something,


Invite your husband to prepare a duet with you so that the two of you have something ready when people come over!

Originally Posted by DFSRN
He told me, "you don't know how stupid it sounds when you say your taking lessons for 5 years and can't play." I guess it does, it not a guess it sounds bad,


If my husband said that to me, I'd tell him to ST*U! It isn't my goal to play for people who come over. If it were, I'd work something out to play.
Posted By: DFSRN Re: Hurt Feelings - 12/17/18 02:45 AM
Malkin that is a good response, its not my goal. I have to say my family is supportive and always want me to play something. I am just a nervous to play in front of people although I am getting better. I am even nervous to play in front of the teacher. I teach classes weekly, coach/mentor, nursing preceptor, goal setting/professional development etc............ I can speak in front of 100 people without difficulty. Having to play the piano is a different story. At church the pastor wants me to play, I could never play in front of all those people. My husband has no interest in playing the piano, I told him when he learns to play then both of us can play at church. I have a Yamaha YUS 5 I bought new in 2015 and a Clavinova, CLP 575. When my dad passed I was going to give my husband his Clavinova, he did not want it. So he can't use the excuse we only have one piano. For Christmas I am doing a duet, it is 5 pages long with my instructor. I have been working on it since summer. It just takes me a long time to get something to performance level.
Posted By: anncarley Re: Hurt Feelings - 12/17/18 02:55 AM
So encouraging! I too have been studying piano for now my fifth year. I cannot just open a music book and play a piece with any degree of skill. A great idea to choose a piece, work on it, and have it as a “signature” piece to play for others if requested.
Posted By: DFSRN Re: Hurt Feelings - 12/17/18 03:12 AM
When they ask for a second piece, say that will be another 6 months smile................. deb
Posted By: mr_super-hunky Re: Hurt Feelings - 12/17/18 09:35 AM
Another way to look at this thread would be to realize how much power you have over other people with just your comments towards them . Words are cheap, but they can turn out expensive; especially for the recipient. You shouldn't just casually toss around negative comments towards others as you may not fully understand how they are being received.

But before throwing anyone under the bus, look to 'intent'. Always look at someones intent first before casting any judgement on them as many times things are not as they may seem. Also, cut someone slack on an isolated event. It's ongoing long term negativity I'd worry about.

If someone is purposely trying to hurt you on an ongoing basis, then you may want to consider that. However, an unintended misunderstanding can probably be talked through over dinner at Outback leading to makeup sex later on wow; and that sounds like a better plan to me! thumb
Posted By: cmb13 Re: Hurt Feelings - 12/17/18 11:29 AM
Well said, although I think we can do better than Outback!
Posted By: petebfrance Re: Hurt Feelings - 12/17/18 12:06 PM
Originally Posted by DFSRN
CMB, people come over and my husband says play something, I just practice for my lesson. He told me, "you don't know how stupid it sounds when you say your taking lessons for 5 years and can't play." I guess it does, it not a guess it sounds bad, I would have to ask someone who stated that, where do you take lessons and still can't play? I am going to work on a couple of songs to play. That is a great idea. I just can't open a book and play. I am playing a duet for Christmas with my teacher, it is 4 hands two pianos song. I have been working on this since this summer. I hired him to play for the yearly party I give my family for Christmas. Thanks for your post.

I've been playing for heaven knows how long and I've only ever once played something for visitors, and even then it was because we were discussing Irish songs and I played one to give them some idea of how they sounded. Never played anything to entertain guests, show that I can play or whatever - good grief, if they really think I can't play the thing then as they say here in France, 'tant pis' (so much of nothing!)
Posted By: Handyman Re: Hurt Feelings - 12/17/18 02:07 PM
Originally Posted by mr_super-hunky
...You shouldn't just casually toss around negative comments towards others as you may not fully understand how they are being received.


Yes, agreed - but often so-called "negative comments" aren't negative at all, nor are they casually tossed around - instead of being perceived as negative they should instead be taken as realistic but encouraging words of "tough love" - the exact medicine some need to swallow on occasion ...

Originally Posted by mr_super-hunky

... However, an unintended misunderstanding can probably be talked through over dinner at Outback leading to makeup sex later on wow; and that sounds like a better plan to me! thumb


If you've ever eaten at Outback (or Longhorn, Texas Roadhouse, etc.) you must know that after the bread and salad and appetizers and the main course and the sides and the desert and the cold adult beverages to wash the whole feast down with, the last thing you may be able or willing to get involved with is the exertion of an intensely physical boogie-woogie in the boudoir... crazy
Posted By: AprilE Re: Hurt Feelings - 12/17/18 04:03 PM
Originally Posted by Handyman
often so-called "negative comments" aren't negative at all, nor are they casually tossed around - instead of being perceived as negative they should instead be taken as realistic but encouraging words of "tough love" - the exact medicine some need to swallow on occasion ...


Now see, that's why I delight in being single. I can't even imagine what "encouraging words of tough love" might be to a partner who has a passion for piano and has worked hard at it for two years. I'm afraid I can't see much other than arrogance in the notion.

What stood out for me in your post, DutchTea, was the comment that your partner has never said a word to you about your practicing in the whole two years. It made me think of my friends. A couple of them never ask about piano and I rarely mention it to them (although it's one of the most important things in my life), and that's fine. I have other friends, different personalities who are more expressively empathic, who regularly ask how it's going, not because they are interested in piano, but because they are interested in me, their friend, and how things are. They also ask how my kids are, etc. It's part of friendship and caring from their perspective (which is not to say my other friends are not caring).

I wonder in your situation if your reaction to his comment hadn't been brewing for a long time? You spend all this time at the piano and he has absolutely nothing to say or ask about it? I can see how a lot of tension could develop around this for you that he may be blithely unaware of. I wonder if you share with him how your practice is going as a regular part of your connection, bringing it into the realm of normal discourse? Just things like "I was really pleased today with that little classical piece I've been struggling with." or mentioning that you are finding a particular section challenging or enjoyable or whatever. Sometimes in situations like this, people silently wait for the other person to raise the subject, and feel hurt if the other doesn't talk about it. Aside from sharing with him your feelings about it all, you might want to consider stepping up and sharing with him regularly a little more about your piano day without waiting for him to ask. If you've been doing that and he is unresponsive, I'd recommend trading him in for a dog. : ) On the other hand, I think anyone who would have to listen to me practicing day after day (and not trade me in for a dog) would deserve a medal.

All the best to you!
Posted By: Chili_Time Re: Hurt Feelings - 12/17/18 08:21 PM
That is terrible but as a male I'd suggest sometimes we do dumb things we are totally unaware of. So… tell him what happened and how it made you feel and that diamond earrings would probably be in order as reparations.
Posted By: Docbop Re: Hurt Feelings - 12/18/18 01:04 AM
If me in this situation I would just think who am I playing piano for ME! So I wouldn't care what others think I'm doing what I love and it isn't hurting anyone.

I'm a Jazz musician so I hear kind of BS all the time from people without the ears or willingness to try and understand the music and just ignore it. I also a fan of 20th Century classical so guess I'm a doomed to listen to my CD collection by myself, <grin> There is also a advantage to being into Jazz I never have to drive others around in my car, they know what's in my CD player so they always want to drive and I save gas. LOL
Posted By: piano_primo Re: Hurt Feelings - 12/18/18 09:07 AM
Originally Posted by DutchTea
I began learning piano at 57 years old and now, 2 years later, I'm doing okay. Not great... I have a book I am using that has a cd of the music. It helps me to know what how the piece is supposed to sound. Well, I started one of the songs and he came up the stairs right at that moment and said with laughter, 'I thought, wow, she's doing a lot better!' ... I'll get over it. Maybe I'll go back and play something really loud and really awful.


-As a compare and contrast to this OP’s story.
NOTE- her husband was walking up the stairs and heard her cd, playing a lesson . He, thinking it was her playing thought “ gee she's really improved” and said it aloud which she heard, [yikes!]
BUT … [to me it’s almost “sitcom”humor…]
A contrast would be if you heard your own recording , not realizing it was you [because you’re stoned or …in a another room heard from afar], then thought…. gee that’s really good [or bad] and then realized it was you!.

Which happened to me! .Oooooh No, blush hmmm eek Guess I really need to practice alot more! smile
Posted By: Handyman Re: Hurt Feelings - 12/18/18 11:15 AM
Originally Posted by AprilE


... I can't even imagine what "encouraging words of tough love" might be to a partner who has a passion for piano and has worked hard at it for two years...


How about "Stop sulking and pouting and whining about not being able yet to play those pieces as well as the professional pianist on the CD - keep bearing down and practicing faithfully and with unrelenting determination and you know d__n well that pretty soon you'll not only equal but perhaps surpass those recorded performances, and you'll be well on your way to becoming an accomplished pianist...but you've got to cease beating up on yourself right now - and being far too self critical - and you need to set some realistic goals and have some reasonable expectations for yourself."

This might be the heart of the problem here - the OP has been comparing herself for some time with a professional studio pianist on a CD and has been continually disappointed and frustrated with her inability to match those recorded performances. This makes her unhappy. She's been feeling this way for some time now. A casual remark by her husband brings all of these feelings back to mind. She blames him for her hurt feelings. But the feelings have been hurt long before this, and by herself, in her continuing routine of constantly comparing her performances with a professional's - a standard far too high to meet at this stage, and thus, an unreasonable expectation on her part leading to disappointment and sadness.

This is not a situation unique to the OP - we all suffer this just about every time we play or practice or listen to a really good pianist play.
Posted By: Tyrone Slothrop Re: Hurt Feelings - 12/18/18 01:53 PM
Originally Posted by Handyman
This might be the heart of the problem here - the OP has been comparing herself for some time with a professional studio pianist on a CD and has been continually disappointed and frustrated with her inability to match those recorded performances. This makes her unhappy. She's been feeling this way for some time now. A casual remark by her husband brings all of these feelings back to mind. She blames him for her hurt feelings. But the feelings have been hurt long before this, and by herself, in her continuing routine of constantly comparing her performances with a professional's - a standard far too high to meet at this stage, and thus, an unreasonable expectation on her part leading to disappointment and sadness.

This is not a situation unique to the OP - we all suffer this just about every time we play or practice or listen to a really good pianist play.

Wow. I was a bit incensed by your earlier comments, but what you just said resonates! Thanks!
Posted By: Stubbie Re: Hurt Feelings - 12/18/18 04:45 PM
Originally Posted by Handyman
..........How about "Stop sulking and pouting and whining about not being able yet to play those pieces as well as the professional pianist on the CD - keep bearing down and practicing faithfully and with unrelenting determination and you know d__n well that pretty soon you'll not only equal but perhaps surpass those recorded performances, and you'll be well on your way to becoming an accomplished pianist...but you've got to cease beating up on yourself right now - and being far too self critical - and you need to set some realistic goals and have some reasonable expectations for yourself."

This might be the heart of the problem here - the OP has been comparing herself for some time with a professional studio pianist on a CD and has been continually disappointed and frustrated with her inability to match those recorded performances. This makes her unhappy. She's been feeling this way for some time now. A casual remark by her husband brings all of these feelings back to mind. She blames him for her hurt feelings. But the feelings have been hurt long before this, and by herself, in her continuing routine of constantly comparing her performances with a professional's - a standard far too high to meet at this stage, and thus, an unreasonable expectation on her part leading to disappointment and sadness.

This is not a situation unique to the OP - we all suffer this just about every time we play or practice or listen to a really good pianist play.

This is a HUGE assumption. A huge, unwarranted assumption. It really is possible to listen to professional pianists and not be wracked with jealousy and frustration.

The OP's husband made a joke that backfired. It happens.
Posted By: Fidel Re: Hurt Feelings - 12/18/18 05:40 PM
Originally Posted by DutchTea
I began learning piano at 57 years old and now, 2 years later, I'm doing okay. Not great, but I enjoy playing...I think it was the laughing that got to me and the fact that he didn't try to even fix what he said. I'll get over it. Maybe I'll go back and play something really loud and really awful.

The important thing is you enjoy learning and playing. I understand you were hurt but never intentionally play awful; that's really bad karma.

Playing piano you're going to receive criticism regardless of how good you get. Yes, some people may make fun of you. So be ready for it, ignore it and move on. It's one of the most difficult piano lessons you have to learn.
Posted By: Morodiene Re: Hurt Feelings - 12/19/18 02:27 AM
We've probably all felt that - someone says something that was out of line, but it also hit a nerve, telling us something we've been telling ourselves all along and we react strongly to those words. What lies are you telling yourself, that his words hit that nerve? My guess is something along the lines of "I should sound better than this."

The question is, is that really true? And if so, does it matter? So what if you're a beginner? So what if you don't sound professional like on a CD? Delving into why you reacted so strongly might be helpful in the long term for your satisfaction in what you're doing, and also may help prevent being overly sensitive to such comments. You love piano, you enjoy the challenge and the practicing and the victories along the way. Another's words shouldn't affect that.

People who are not musicians do not understand what it's like to be a musician. Often, they say dumb things that they don't even realize hurt. They need to be taught what it's like so they understand. Tell him you are sensitive and you'd appreciate he only give positive comments or none at all. It's a good place to start, anyways. smile
Posted By: Handyman Re: Hurt Feelings - 12/19/18 02:57 AM
Originally Posted by Stubbie


... It really is possible to listen to professional pianists and not be wracked with jealousy and frustration.


Yes, absolutely - most of us have done it. Perhaps many times. But the key word here is listen. Listening is one thing. It's easy enough to do. But,playing up to the standards, i.e., duplicating the expertise, of a highly trained, widely experienced professional pianist is quite another. Attempts by relative beginners to do so seldom end well.

Originally Posted by Stubbie
The OP's husband made a joke that backfired. It happens.


Maybe - but from what we know is this what really happened? Or did he intend a compliment in a lighthearted way - unaware of who he was actually listening to? Even if we had been there it might have been hard to tell. These things are tricky. It's often hard to decipher intent. It's possible that he meant no harm or insult. If this is the case then by logical extension he would be the one that was misunderstood, and then misrepresented, then finally had his reputation tarnished or besmirched here in a thread at PW. Thus, maybe, just maybe, he's the one deserving of an apology. Food for thought...
Posted By: piano_primo Re: Hurt Feelings - 12/19/18 06:51 AM
Did anyone even consider how THE PIANO FEELS about this dilemma?
It might just...walk right outtadare.


[Linked Image]
Posted By: Stubbie Re: Hurt Feelings - 12/19/18 03:47 PM
Originally Posted by Handyman
Originally Posted by Stubbie
... It really is possible to listen to professional pianists and not be wracked with jealousy and frustration.
Yes, absolutely - most of us have done it. Perhaps many times. But the key word here is listen. Listening is one thing. It's easy enough to do. But,playing up to the standards, i.e., duplicating the expertise, of a highly trained, widely experienced professional pianist is quite another. Attempts by relative beginners to do so seldom end well.
We listen to professionals and it is on the basis of our listening that we make comparisons. Yes, it is a mistake for relative beginners to compare themselves to professionals (this is a general statement), but it is a huge jump to assume that the OP, at two years in, believes her playing should be up to professional standards (a specific example), which is the assumption here:
Originally Posted by Handyman
....This might be the heart of the problem here - the OP has been comparing herself for some time with a professional studio pianist on a CD and has been continually disappointed and frustrated with her inability to match those recorded performances. This makes her unhappy. She's been feeling this way for some time now. A casual remark by her husband brings all of these feelings back to mind. She blames him for her hurt feelings. But the feelings have been hurt long before this, and by herself, in her continuing routine of constantly comparing her performances with a professional's - a standard far too high to meet at this stage, and thus, an unreasonable expectation on her part leading to disappointment and sadness.
A post will only include a fragment of all the possible information that surrounds a situation. None of us are privy to all the ins and outs. Arm-chair analyzing can do a great disservice to the poster. What was, and is, helpful and interesting in the discussion generated by the OP was the subject of how our practicing/playing affects those close by.


Originally Posted by Handyman
Originally Posted by Stubbie
The OP's husband made a joke that backfired. It happens.
Maybe - but from what we know is this what really happened? ......

This is why (from what the OP wrote) it seemed to me to be a joke gone wrong:
Quote
.....I have a book I am using that has a cd of the music. It helps me to know what how the piece is supposed to sound. Well, I started one of the songs and he came up the stairs right at that moment and said with laughter, 'I thought, wow, she's doing a lot better!' ..........
But, no, we cannot know his mind, either.
Posted By: Handyman Re: Hurt Feelings - 12/19/18 07:05 PM
Originally Posted by Stubbie
...Yes, it is a mistake for relative beginners to compare themselves to professionals (this is a general statement), but it is a huge jump to assume that the OP, at two years in, believes her playing should be up to professional standards (a specific example)...


Quite to the contrary, it's not a huge jump at all - it follows naturally and logically from the simple facts: (1) the OP is trying to learn to play some pieces that are at a level of difficulty that a 2 year student is considered capable - at least with some determined effort - of learning fairly well; (2) she has a recording of a professional pianist playing those pieces in a manner that is generally considered appropriate for them; (3) she assumes or accepts the idea that this is the way these 2 year level pieces should, or are supposed to, sound; (4) she attempts to learn one or more of them with the idea of ultimately matching the recorded performance of the studio professional; (5) after repeated such attempts she doesn't succeed to her complete satisfaction and become aggravated, then frustrated and finally disheartened.

It's not necessarily that she believes her playing should "be up to professional standards", i.e., up to the standards of a world-class concert pianist. But, she has come to believe that her performance of those 2 year level pieces should match fairly closely the execution of them recorded by the professional (his standards that he set for those particular pieces).

This is a very common outcome for many of us attempting to play a piece we've previously heard performed by a really good player. I would recommend "losing" the CD...if she keeps working hard at it 2 years from now she may come back to those pieces and kick his butt.
Posted By: Tyrone Slothrop Re: Hurt Feelings - 12/19/18 07:16 PM
Originally Posted by Handyman
Originally Posted by Stubbie
...Yes, it is a mistake for relative beginners to compare themselves to professionals (this is a general statement), but it is a huge jump to assume that the OP, at two years in, believes her playing should be up to professional standards (a specific example)...


Quite to the contrary, it's not a huge jump at all - it follows naturally and logically from the simple facts: (1) the OP is trying to learn to play some pieces that are at a level of difficulty that a 2 year student is considered capable - at least with some determined effort - of learning fairly well; (2) she has a recording of a professional pianist playing those pieces in a manner that is generally considered appropriate for them; (3) she assumes or accepts the idea that this is the way these 2 year level pieces should, or are supposed to, sound; (4) she attempts to learn one or more of them with the idea of ultimately matching the recorded performance of the studio professional; (5) after repeated such attempts she doesn't succeed to her complete satisfaction and become aggravated, then frustrated and finally disheartened.

It's not necessarily that she believes her playing should "be up to professional standards", i.e., up to the standards of a world-class concert pianist. But, she has come to believe that her performance of those 2 year level pieces should match fairly closely the execution of them recorded by the professional (his standards that he set for those particular pieces).

This is a very common outcome for many of us attempting to play a piece we've previously heard performed by a really good player. I would recommend "losing" the CD...if she keeps working hard at it 2 years from now she may come back to those pieces and kick his butt.

This is one of the reasons I find the UIPianoPed youtube site a tad bit disheartening. These beginner pieces on there are played by pianists like Dr. Alan Huckleberry, who are not only much better than me, but much better than I will ever likely get. Even though they are relatively simple pieces, the pianists use techniques/touches/etc that go beyond my present skills, and probably even beyond my future skills, and the resulting sound is therefore much better than I will likely be able to approximate. And the same could be said for the Pianist Magazine Youtube channel.
Posted By: Lillith Re: Hurt Feelings - 12/19/18 08:29 PM
To the OP
That's disgraceful - just a way of putting you down.
A spouse's job should be to build you up, not put you down.
I just wouldn't put up with a spouse who made himself feel good by putting you down - that's not on, but if you think about it he's probably been doing it in little ways for ever.
Possibly 'disguised' as a joke.

Ditch the spouse and get a cat.
Posted By: dmd Re: Hurt Feelings - 12/19/18 09:20 PM
Originally Posted by Lillith
To the OP
That's disgraceful - just a way of putting you down.
A spouse's job should be to build you up, not put you down.
I just wouldn't put up with a spouse who made himself feel good by putting you down - that's not on, but if you think about it he's probably been doing it in little ways for ever.
Possibly 'disguised' as a joke.

Ditch the spouse and get a cat.


Let me guess ….. Single ? Divorced ?
Posted By: Lillith Re: Hurt Feelings - 12/19/18 09:45 PM
Originally Posted by dmd
Originally Posted by Lillith
To the OP
That's disgraceful - just a way of putting you down.
A spouse's job should be to build you up, not put you down.
I just wouldn't put up with a spouse who made himself feel good by putting you down - that's not on, but if you think about it he's probably been doing it in little ways for ever.
Possibly 'disguised' as a joke.

Ditch the spouse and get a cat.


Let me guess ….. Single ? Divorced ?




Not at all, happily married.
Jjust well tuned to that kind of behaviour. I see it all the time in others who quite often are told it's 'a joke' . It's not and that doesn't stop the hurt.
It's one partner trying to feel good by putting the other one down and shouldn't be tolerated.
Posted By: Downhill_Fast Re: Hurt Feelings - 12/19/18 09:53 PM
Originally Posted by Lillith
To the OP
That's disgraceful - just a way of putting you down.
A spouse's job should be to build you up, not put you down.
I just wouldn't put up with a spouse who made himself feel good by putting you down - that's not on, but if you think about it he's probably been doing it in little ways for ever.
Possibly 'disguised' as a joke.

Ditch the spouse and get a cat.


Originally Posted by Hanlon's Razor
Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.


Honestly, OP's husband's comment is exactly the kind of thing that I would say. The thing is, I would be saying it to myself out loud, marveling at my own ignorance when it came to differentiating between my spouse and a professional recording. I would think the joke was on me, and I would expect to share a small chuckle with my spouse about how daft I am, not realizing until my spouse stalked off that it could also have been taken as a cutting criticism of her playing. So, Hanlon's Razor: I'm not an intentional or envious jerk, I'm simply a bit socially obtuse at times!
Posted By: dmd Re: Hurt Feelings - 12/19/18 10:24 PM
Originally Posted by Downhill_Fast
Originally Posted by Lillith
To the OP
That's disgraceful - just a way of putting you down.
A spouse's job should be to build you up, not put you down.
I just wouldn't put up with a spouse who made himself feel good by putting you down - that's not on, but if you think about it he's probably been doing it in little ways for ever.
Possibly 'disguised' as a joke.

Ditch the spouse and get a cat.


Originally Posted by Hanlon's Razor
Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.


Honestly, OP's husband's comment is exactly the kind of thing that I would say. The thing is, I would be saying it to myself out loud, marveling at my own ignorance when it came to differentiating between my spouse and a professional recording. I would think the joke was on me, and I would expect to share a small chuckle with my spouse about how daft I am, not realizing until my spouse stalked off that it could also have been taken as a cutting criticism of her playing. So, Hanlon's Razor: I'm not an intentional or envious jerk, I'm simply a bit socially obtuse at times!



Well, here is something completely off topic ….but it is driving me crazy.

Maybe someone else can resolve this …..

There is a quote shown above as posted by Hanlon's Razor.

I have looked for that posting in a previous post and absolutely cannot find it.

And … in addition to that …. I looked up Hanlon's Razor in the User List and it is not there.

Mystery.

Can anyone help me out on this ?
Posted By: Downhill_Fast Re: Hurt Feelings - 12/19/18 10:39 PM
Originally Posted by dmd


Well, here is something completely off topic ….but it is driving me crazy.

Maybe someone else can resolve this …..

There is a quote shown above as posted by Hanlon's Razor.

I have looked for that posting in a previous post and absolutely cannot find it.

And … in addition to that …. I looked up Hanlon's Razor in the User List and it is not there.

Mystery.

Can anyone help me out on this ?



grin ha
Posted By: Stubbie Re: Hurt Feelings - 12/19/18 10:41 PM
Originally Posted by dmd
Originally Posted by Downhill_Fast
Originally Posted by Lillith
To the OP
That's disgraceful - just a way of putting you down.
A spouse's job should be to build you up, not put you down.
I just wouldn't put up with a spouse who made himself feel good by putting you down - that's not on, but if you think about it he's probably been doing it in little ways for ever.
Possibly 'disguised' as a joke.

Ditch the spouse and get a cat.


Originally Posted by Hanlon's Razor
Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.


Honestly, OP's husband's comment is exactly the kind of thing that I would say. The thing is, I would be saying it to myself out loud, marveling at my own ignorance when it came to differentiating between my spouse and a professional recording. I would think the joke was on me, and I would expect to share a small chuckle with my spouse about how daft I am, not realizing until my spouse stalked off that it could also have been taken as a cutting criticism of her playing. So, Hanlon's Razor: I'm not an intentional or envious jerk, I'm simply a bit socially obtuse at times!



Well, here is something completely off topic ….but it is driving me crazy.

Maybe someone else can resolve this …..

There is a quote shown above as posted by Hanlon's Razor.

I have looked for that posting in a previous post and absolutely cannot find it.

And … in addition to that …. I looked up Hanlon's Razor in the User List and it is not there.

Mystery.

Can anyone help me out on this ?

I think the poster was invoking Hanlon's Razor:
Quote
Hanlon's razor is an aphorism expressed in various ways, including: Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity. It suggests a way of eliminating unlikely explanations ("attributions") for human behavior and its consequences.
Posted By: Stubbie Re: Hurt Feelings - 12/19/18 10:49 PM
Originally Posted by Downhill_Fast
Originally Posted by dmd


Well, here is something completely off topic ….but it is driving me crazy.

Maybe someone else can resolve this …..

There is a quote shown above as posted by Hanlon's Razor.

I have looked for that posting in a previous post and absolutely cannot find it.

And … in addition to that …. I looked up Hanlon's Razor in the User List and it is not there.

Mystery.

Can anyone help me out on this ?



grin ha
Well, okay, it was a joke. blush Or--maybe dmd was trying to trip me up. Yup, that must be it.
Posted By: Downhill_Fast Re: Hurt Feelings - 12/19/18 11:26 PM
Originally Posted by Stubbie
Well, okay, it was a joke. blush Or--maybe dmd was trying to trip me up. Yup, that must be it.


I honestly have no idea so I err'd on the side of, uh... making the thread more lighthearted laugh
Posted By: Stubbie Re: Hurt Feelings - 12/20/18 12:03 AM
Originally Posted by Downhill_Fast
Originally Posted by Stubbie
Well, okay, it was a joke. blush Or--maybe dmd was trying to trip me up. Yup, that must be it.


I honestly have no idea so I err'd on the side of, uh... making the thread more lighthearted laugh
No, I think you're quite correct. smile An alternative response that came to mind was Oops, it was a joke and it flew over my head. I guess that makes me stu...... No, let's not go there. laugh
Posted By: ebonykawai Re: Hurt Feelings - 12/20/18 12:54 AM
This is why I often play my digital when my husband is home, lol. He's not a jerk (that much lol), he's just never played an instrument and has no clue what learning and practicing are all about. And sometimes he's been known to say dumb things.

People can be stupid, even our significant others. Tell him it bothered you and ask him not to make any more flippant comments, thank you very much!
Posted By: Medved1 Re: Hurt Feelings - 12/20/18 02:12 AM
Love the idea of Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.

And having been on both the giving and receiving end of dumb jokes that went flop, yeah, easiest to call it what it is, try to avoid it in the future, apologize if indicated, and move on.

Give and take. My significant other is decent (after instruction) on complimenting, but has rebelled 100% against Beethoven because "it's too gloomy". I think Beethoven should be more upset about that than I am, but I am trying to learn the Beethoven when everyone else is out of the house.

Not trying to tell the OP what to do, just saying that if there is a suspicion of a joke gone wrong, that's a fairly easy fix. If it's something more serious, then of course what I'm writing doesn't apply.
Posted By: dmd Re: Hurt Feelings - 12/20/18 03:56 AM
Originally Posted by Downhill_Fast
grin ha


Ok … LOL … You got me.

But now I am curious ….


How do you get it to say [Originally posted by ….etc ….] with a dark bar on top of the quote ?

It looked authentic to me.

Are you just using your knowledge of html code to do that ?
Posted By: dmd Re: Hurt Feelings - 12/20/18 04:23 AM
Originally Posted by Santa Claus
Originally Posted by Downhill_Fast
grin ha


HO HO HO ...



Well, never mind. I see it is quite easy.
Posted By: Charles Cohen Re: Hurt Feelings - 12/20/18 04:34 AM
Originally Posted by thepianoplayer416
. . .

Fortunately I'm playing with a music group. Whenever we have get-togethers like before Christmas, somebody would be at the piano and someone else would be singing sort of thing. Of course we all want the people closest to us to appreciate our music playing but not everybody is into music. At least I have a group of like-minded people that I socialize with regularly.
. . .
.


Join a choir! That's one place you'll be surrounded by people who love to make music.
Posted By: Handyman Re: Hurt Feelings - 12/20/18 12:34 PM
Originally Posted by DutchTea
... I have a book I am using that has a cd of the music. It helps me to know what how the piece is supposed to sound. Well, I started one of the songs and he came up the stairs right at that moment and said with laughter, 'I thought, wow, she's doing a lot better!' I didn't even know what to say at that point. I just closed up the piano and went somewhere to cry for a bit...


We can't know with certainty that the laughter by Mr. DutchTea was necessarily of the mocking or derisive type - we don't know for sure since we weren't there to hear or witness it - it could just as easily have been a self-conscious laughing at himself because he innocently, but mistakenly, assumed that the pianist he heard playing as he ascended the steps was Mrs. DutchTea, and so felt slightly embarrassed...such a semi-comical situation would probably have engendered amused laughter by both spouses in most marriages, with the wife saying, for instance, "That was a recording by a professional of the piece I'm trying to learn dummy, but I'll sound pretty much like that soon enough, and then I'll have the last laugh! So, stick that in your stinkin' pipe..."

But, without knowing more about the circumstances of this incident, or the marital relationship in general, it may be a gross injustice to find Mr. DutchTea guilty of nastiness, or deliberate insult or any other negative intention - the traditional principle of "due process" requires that he be considered innocent until absolutely proven otherwise, and that in all fairness he be given the benefit of the doubt. Just maybe there's the outside possibility that he's the one who has been wrongly charged here and needs compassion and a certain degree of exoneration.

Also, it should be firmly kept in mind that, in spite of the efforts of modern hard-core feminists to have us all believe otherwise, men are not the only gender capable of insensitivity or of making dumb, hurtful, insulting remarks...


Posted By: Tyrone Slothrop Re: Hurt Feelings - 12/20/18 12:42 PM
Originally Posted by Handyman
Also, it should be firmly kept in mind that, in spite of the efforts of modern hard-core feminists to have us all believe otherwise, men are not the only gender capable of insensitivity or of making dumb, hurtful, insulting remarks...

Ugh. frown
Posted By: NobleHouse Re: Hurt Feelings - 12/20/18 12:47 PM
Originally Posted by Tyrone Slothrop
Originally Posted by Handyman
Also, it should be firmly kept in mind that, in spite of the efforts of modern hard-core feminists to have us all believe otherwise, men are not the only gender capable of insensitivity or of making dumb, hurtful, insulting remarks...

Ugh. frown


I think most common sense people know that any gender sadly, is capable of making insensitive remarks...
Posted By: cmb13 Re: Hurt Feelings - 12/20/18 02:11 PM
Originally Posted by NobleHouse
Originally Posted by Tyrone Slothrop
Originally Posted by Handyman
Also, it should be firmly kept in mind that, in spite of the efforts of modern hard-core feminists to have us all believe otherwise, men are not the only gender capable of insensitivity or of making dumb, hurtful, insulting remarks...

Ugh. frown


I think most common sense people know that any gender sadly, is capable of making insensitive remarks...


Yes, especially men smile.
Posted By: Handyman Re: Hurt Feelings - 12/20/18 02:39 PM
As a somewhat radical proposal I think that - in the interest of fairness - Mr. DutchTea should be offered the opportunity to come on here and tell his side of the story - it's only right and just that he be given a chance to be heard from and defend himself, if indeed any real defense is actually needed - or possible (as the case may be). Mr. DutchTea?
Posted By: Ken Knapp Re: Hurt Feelings - 12/20/18 02:39 PM
Originally Posted by cmb13
Originally Posted by NobleHouse
Originally Posted by Tyrone Slothrop
Originally Posted by Handyman
Also, it should be firmly kept in mind that, in spite of the efforts of modern hard-core feminists to have us all believe otherwise, men are not the only gender capable of insensitivity or of making dumb, hurtful, insulting remarks...

Ugh. frown


I think most common sense people know that any gender sadly, is capable of making insensitive remarks...


Yes, especially men smile.


PEOPLE can do insensitive things, period. How about if we stay away from making this gender specific. It is only going to lead to contention and getting the topic closed. Hint-hint.
Posted By: Ken Knapp Re: Hurt Feelings - 12/20/18 02:46 PM
And as my contribution to the topic, I should say, "Never attribute to malice that which can be explained by stupidity:.

Communication is everything. While, in my humble opinion, it is ok to talk about it on here, if you have not talked to him about it I would suggest doing so. Perhaps that will solve everything..
Posted By: cmb13 Re: Hurt Feelings - 12/20/18 02:53 PM
Originally Posted by Ken Knapp
Originally Posted by cmb13
Originally Posted by NobleHouse
Originally Posted by Tyrone Slothrop
Originally Posted by Handyman
Also, it should be firmly kept in mind that, in spite of the efforts of modern hard-core feminists to have us all believe otherwise, men are not the only gender capable of insensitivity or of making dumb, hurtful, insulting remarks...

Ugh. frown


I think most common sense people know that any gender sadly, is capable of making insensitive remarks...


Yes, especially men smile.


PEOPLE can do insensitive things, period. How about if we stay away from making this gender specific. It is only going to lead to contention and getting the topic closed. Hint-hint.


Just a tongue-in-cheek joke, Ken, from a fellow male. Self-gender-deprecating. Truth is this thread has probably run its course anyway though!
Posted By: Handyman Re: Hurt Feelings - 12/20/18 06:04 PM
Originally Posted by cmb13
...

Truth is this thread has probably run its course anyway though!


Yes, but only if Mr. DutchTea doesn't show up - if he does then we could enjoy another lengthy and fun-filled run...
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