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UK to Take Colonies Back Over...

Posted By: Piano World

UK to Take Colonies Back Over... - 10/13/08 03:10 PM

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To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter "U" will be reinstated in words such as "colour," "favour," "labour" and "neighbour." Likewise, you will learn to spell "doughnut" without skipping half the letters, and the suffix "-ize" will be replaced by the suffix "-ise." Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up "vocabulary").

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as '"like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter "u"' and the elimination of "-ize."

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a nail clipper. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a nail clipper in public.

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the rights side of the road with immediate effect ; and for those of you who do not understand what this means : it means the left-hand side which happens to be the correct side. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with ketchup but with vinegar.

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitters will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are in some respects at least, the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer!! They are also, in a manner of speaking, part of the British Commonwealth - see what it has done for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Gwyneth Paltrow attempt English dialogue in Shakespeare in Love was not a nice experience.

11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us absolutely dilly.

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper tea [not the other stuff you mispronounce as 'erbal tea !!!] and proper cups, with saucers; never mugs. This will be served with high quality cakes and scones (proper scones please!), with jam and clotted cream, and and biscuits (the REAL thing not your "cookies" for goodness sake!) and of course, sandwiches, which are indeed sandwiches and not your interpretation of them!

God Save the Queen!

PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!
Posted By: LiszThalberg

Re: UK to Take Colonies Back Over... - 10/14/08 01:32 AM

Hahahaha this is perfect!

Posted By: maserman1

Re: UK to Take Colonies Back Over... - 10/14/08 07:59 AM

Very funny Frank, but why on earth would we want you back? We stopped trying to solve the world's problems 63 years ago, so we're not going to take on yours!
Posted By: SigurRos08

Re: UK to Take Colonies Back Over... - 10/14/08 03:48 PM

What's wrong with 'erbal tea?
Posted By: vin mrykalo

Re: UK to Take Colonies Back Over... - 10/14/08 07:23 PM

Well, eh, yes, perhaps it will do us well to start over, wot? Nice job, but soccer? Perhaps not then.
Posted By: breretonpianos

Re: UK to Take Colonies Back Over... - 10/14/08 09:50 PM

Ha ha ! very amusing . But don't worry about the metric measurements most of us here in the UK still use imperial , though because we were hoodwinked into joining the EU we have been threatened and bullied into changing to metric thou we are doing it very slowly inch by inch as we say.
Posted By: soundboard79

Re: UK to Take Colonies Back Over... - 12/07/08 04:52 PM

Alright then, folks. Looks like we'll be using the words 'musn't' and 'cheers' a bit more liberally from now on.

Now then, I musn't tarry here any longer or I will....um....SHALL be late to breakfast, which could precipitate a ghastly hullaballoo with the Mrs. involving the local constabulary.

-T :p
Posted By: Brian Taylor

Re: UK to Take Colonies Back Over... - 12/23/08 01:04 AM

Of course, you could petition the Queen to annex with Canada. You would not have to forego electing leaders not worth the dignity and responsibility of their office. In addition, we already have a Governor General as the representative of the Queen in our governmental structure, upon whom the Prime Minister of Canada relies when he is in such great political difficulties that he needs to have Parliament prorogued. We'd be happy to share her on the following terms:

1. Like in the original, with the addition that any Scot and any Alabamian must be able to understand one another in live conversation (should the need arise).

2. As in the original, like....

3. Canada's national day, July 1st, is close enough to July 4th to not make all that much of a scheduling difference, and it would avoid our stock markets being closed on two different days in such close proximity.

4. In Canada you can shoot deer, bear, moose, and any fowl except Canada Geese and politicians, which broadens the field a bit and gives justification for owning a gun. (This is handy in case you come across a politician when it happens that there are no witnesses in the vicinity).

5. Under Canada's Governor General, nail clippers may be carried without a permit, although citizens are strongly encouraged to clip their nails at home, thereby alleviating the need to carry them anywhere except home from the store.

6. Roundabouts may be used sparingly but are not compulsory. Because she is the personal representative of the Queen, our Governor General drives on the left side of the road, but everybody else drives on the right. Be careful in the Ottawa area. Metrification will be compulsory to benefit trade in lumber. The British sense of humour is tolerated, except in Newfoundland (which has its own), Quebec (which has none), and among Canada's First Nations (which lament the presence of the British in the first place).

7. Gasoline is called gasoline in most of Canada. Some French-speaking citizens may confuse it with diesel fuel, so be careful which pump you use when fueling up in Quebec.

8. French fries are French fries, except at McDonald's, where we don't know exactly what they are. Malt vinegar is terrific on French fries. The use of ketchup is encouraged to support the tomato industry in Leamington.

9. Carling and Labatts have amalgamated.

10. Gwyneth Paltrow is Welsh, which is definitely not to be confused with British, despite the fact that the Consort of the Queen is the Prince of Wales. In Stratford (Ontario), Shakespeare's plays are cast without discrimination as to race, creed, marital status, colour, color, disability, ability, financial need or popularity in Hollywood.

11. Canadian football is not soccer. It is permitted when it is too cold for soccer but not cold enough for the beer to freeze.

12. The Toronto Blue Jays play in Canada and in the USA, and have been known to win the World Series. Americans arriving in Toronto for baseball games are encouraged to leave their fur coats at home during July and August. Cricket is popular in Canada among immigrants from India and Pakistan, but most Canadians don't understand it any better than they understand why the Governor General drives on the left.

13. Like in the original.

14. That'll learn ya!

15. High Tea, though a venerable social institution heartily approved and supported by the British monarchy, is gradually being replaced at the level of commoners in Canada by coffee at Tim Horton's, and is not limited to any specific time of the day. Starting with pre-breakfast.

God save the Governor General!
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