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#917339 - 12/05/04 12:09 PM Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!  
Joined: May 2004
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teachum Offline
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teachum  Offline
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idaho
I thought I read this was also a place for jokes, so here goes. Since we are keeping it clean - I'll tell my two favorite 3rd grade jokes.

"What did the fish say when he ran into a brick wall?" "Dam!"


"What's the differene between broccoli and boogers?" "Kids will eat boogers."


You will be 10 years older, ten years from now, no matter what you do - so go for it!

Estonia #6141 in Satin Mahogany
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#917340 - 12/05/04 01:56 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!  
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teachum Offline
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idaho
Oh - I didn't see the "ground Rules" thread about posting a stupid joke at the end of every thread. Guess that's where all the stupid jokes are. Sorry. laugh


You will be 10 years older, ten years from now, no matter what you do - so go for it!

Estonia #6141 in Satin Mahogany
#917341 - 12/05/04 03:29 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!  
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 1,402
ycul Offline
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U.K.
Doctor: Now what seems to be the problem?
Patient: Well Doctor, I can't seem to get Tom Jones out of my head. I'm obssessed with him.
Doctor: Ah yes, that'll be Tom Jones syndrome I'm afraid.
Patient: Is it rare?
Doctor: Well it's not unusual. laugh


How now, brown cow.
#917342 - 12/05/04 03:33 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!  
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Derick Offline
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New York
What's the difference between an Italian mother and a vulture?

The vulture waits until your dead to eat your heart out.

Derick

(Edit - guess that's more true than stoopid. Oh well.)


Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats.
#917343 - 12/05/04 03:42 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!  
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teachum Offline
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teachum  Offline
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idaho
I saw Johnny Carson in Vegas once talking about Tom Jones, but I can't repeat it here- Too "vulgar" laugh But you can probably guess what he had to say about him. Good, bad jokes, guys!


You will be 10 years older, ten years from now, no matter what you do - so go for it!

Estonia #6141 in Satin Mahogany
#917344 - 12/05/04 03:48 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!  
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ycul Offline
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U.K.
Quote
Originally posted by teachum:
I saw Johnny Carson in Vegas once talking about Tom Jones, but I can't repeat it here- Too "vulgar" laugh But you can probably guess what he had to say about him. Good, bad jokes, guys!
Was it anything to do with his lucky leek?


How now, brown cow.
#917345 - 12/05/04 04:00 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!  
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teachum Offline
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idaho
????? - No it had to do with the dangers for women sitting in the front rows!


You will be 10 years older, ten years from now, no matter what you do - so go for it!

Estonia #6141 in Satin Mahogany
#917346 - 12/05/04 04:07 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!  
Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 3,171
markjpcs Offline
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Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 3,171
Wisconsin
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee".

The husband said, " You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, " I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says:
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"HEBREWS"

#917347 - 12/05/04 04:15 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!  
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teachum Offline
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idaho
Well I guess we are doing it right then. He gets up early and he fixes the coffee..


You will be 10 years older, ten years from now, no matter what you do - so go for it!

Estonia #6141 in Satin Mahogany
#917348 - 12/05/04 06:01 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!  
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Posts: 6,416
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Washington D.C. Metro
You want jokes? Here are a few, from one of my favorite comics Rodney Dangerfield, may he rest in peace.

********************


When we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right!

I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off his couch.


I was making love to one girl, I told her, "You're so flat-chested." She said, "Get off my back."


Oh, when I was a kid, when my parents went shopping, they always took me with them - that way they could park in a handicapped section.


Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.


My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.


Oh, my wife loves vacations. The other night she told me, "I wanna go someplace I've never been before." I took her to a men's room.

I'm trying a new diet now. The diet is Viagra and prune juice. I tell ya, I don't know if I'm coming or going.

Oh, when I was a kid I was poor. We were so poor, when my father died; they asked my mother, "Paper or plastic?"

I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!

#917349 - 12/05/04 06:07 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!  
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 1,402
ycul Offline
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ycul  Offline
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Posts: 1,402
U.K.
Quote
Originally posted by teachum:
????? - No it had to do with the dangers for women sitting in the front rows!
Yes that's definitely the lucky leek.
laugh

Cindy -
thumb


How now, brown cow.
#917350 - 12/05/04 06:30 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!  
Joined: Sep 2004
Posts: 180
ragtimebg Offline
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California
A couple years ago, at my class reunion, I saw one of my friend who was clearly down on his luck. He said he had huge financial problems and he asked my advice, and I told him to consult his Bible... I saw him last night and he looked great in a new suit, with a new car and wearing lots of jewelry. He came over and thanked me for the advice. He said he went to his Bible and there at the top of the page was the advice he needed. It said "Chapter 11"


I have a new mistress. She's black and curvy and pretty and sounds great and has great legs. I call her "Petrof".
#917351 - 12/06/04 07:04 AM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!  
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 19,862
apple* Offline
apple*  Offline


Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 19,862
Kansas
On Martha Stewart:

"Boy, I feel safer now that she's behind bars.

O.J. & Kobe are walking around, but they take the one woman in America willing to cook and clean and haul her rear off to jail."

(This is a joke and in no way reflects my opinion that crime should not pay)


accompanist/organist.. a non-MTNA teacher to a few

love and peace, √ēun (apple in Estonian)
#917352 - 12/06/04 02:09 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!  
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Nina Offline
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Phoenix, AZ
The chicken and the egg are laying in bed after a passionate session of kissy-face.

The chicken looks over to the egg and says, "Well, I guess that answers that question!" :rolleyes:

--------

How do you know the Toothbrush was invented by a redneck?

Because it would have been named a Teethbrush if someone else had.

#917353 - 12/06/04 03:44 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!  
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 1,161
MusicMagellan Offline
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MusicMagellan  Offline
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Posts: 1,161
NY
More Dangerfield:

When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and told my father, "We did everything we could ... but he pulled through."

I was such an ugly baby, my mother had morning sickness after I was born. She never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

I was such an ugly kid, when I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

What a childhood I had. Why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!

Once when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I asked him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There are so many places they can hide."

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

And we were poor too. Why, if I werenít born a boy, Iíd have had nothing to play with!

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

My Mother-in-Law came to spend a couple of weeks with us. I told her to make herself at home. "My house is your house." So the next day she sold it.

A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.

A hooker once told me she had a headache. She was no bargain either. She showed up with pigtails under her arms. She was so fat, she had her own postal code.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown necktie.

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him, "If you don't mind, I'd like a second opinion." He said, "All right. You're ugly too!"

I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

A travel agent offered me a 21 day special. He told me I would fly from New York to London. Then from Tokyo back to New York. I asked him "How am I supposed to get from London to Tokyo?" He told me, "Thatís why we give you 21 days."


(watch this space)
#917354 - 12/20/04 10:42 AM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!  
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Posts: 101
gwood Offline
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Posts: 101
plano,tx
ha ha above. i love rodney dangerfield.

what's the difference between a pizza and a piano player??

.
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a pizza can feed a family of four.

gw.

#917355 - 12/23/04 08:31 AM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!  
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Posts: 332
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Illinois/Thailand/Korea
A man and wife are in bed. The wife turns to the husband and says "I am going to make you the happiest man in the world"

He says, "I'll miss you!"

(Actually I think the roles should be reversed! smile )

#917356 - 01/08/05 10:55 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!  
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Kah-Lee-For-Neeah
What is green and flies over Poland? Peter Panski

Why were the piano teacher's eyes crossed? She couldn't control her pupils

Confucious say man who drop piano down mineshaft get tone of A Flat Miner.

"You can have a nunnery, why can't you have a monkery?" -Victor Borge


Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than, "I told you so."
#917357 - 03/21/05 05:14 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!  
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los angeles
I'm intentionally keeping this out of the serious discussion in the other forum:

"I have always told my wife that I would rather die than be on some machine to prolong my life. Last night she saw me on the exer-cycle, and came at me with a kitchen knife . . ."

Doug


"The secret to staying calm in a crisis is not having all the facts."
#917358 - 04/02/05 02:30 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!  
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George K Offline
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The Midwest
The shrink's secretary says to him:

"Mr. Edwards, the man who thinks he's invisible is here."

Shrink says:

"Tell him I can't see him now."


(rimshot!)


[Linked Image]
#917359 - 04/22/05 10:43 AM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!  
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ChatNoir Offline
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Encino, California
I take my wife everywhere.....but she keeps coming back!


Some men are music lovers. Others make love without it.
#917360 - 04/24/05 08:08 AM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!  
Joined: Dec 2004
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George K Offline
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The Midwest
Guy goes to see the doctor.

"I've got some bad news and some horrible news."

"What's the bad news?"

"You have a horrible form of cancer, there's no treatment and you have only one day to live."

"Oh my God! What's the horrible news?"

"I tried to call you yesterday...."


[Linked Image]
#917361 - 07/31/05 05:43 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!  
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Posts: 9,868
pianojerome Offline
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2:00 AM, Mr. Lebowitz is woken up by a loud knock at his front door.

"It's the mailman!"

So Lebowitz climbs out of bed, opens the door, and finds two Russian KGB agents with their guns pointed at his face.

"Are you Samuel Lebowitz?" one of them demands.

"Yes."

"Did you just file a request to leave Russia?"

"Yes."

"Tell me, Lebowitz: do you make a decent living?"

"Yes."

"Do your children get a good communist education?"

"Yes."

"Then tell me, Lebowitz: why do you want to leave Russia?"

...
...

"Because," he replies, "I don't like to live in a place where they deliver the mail at 2:00 in the morning!"


Sam
#917362 - 08/11/05 12:50 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!  
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pagnini Offline
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"I've got to go marry my daughter, so please give me a weeks leave."
-indian guy w/ bad english


"I wish the government would put a tax on pianos for the incompetent."
#917363 - 08/11/05 06:45 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!  
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Posts: 67
Dis Offline
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California
"I was so ugly when I was a kid that my parents tied a porkchop around my neck to get the dog to play with me."

#917364 - 08/11/05 07:24 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!  
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-Frycek Offline
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SC Mountains
Did you hear about the old maid that chased the priest around the church? She caught him by the organ.


Slow down and do it right.
[Linked Image]
#917365 - 08/12/05 07:29 AM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!  
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Posts: 117
Richard Martin Offline
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Durham, UK
Where do you weigh a pie?

Somewhere over the rainbow.

(My favourite joke when I was little)

#917366 - 08/12/05 07:50 AM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!  
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 537
***musical princess*** Offline
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Newcastle, England
Quote
Originally posted by Richard Martin:
Where do you weigh a pie?

Somewhere over the rainbow.

(My favourite joke when I was little)
God, i must be sooo stupid. I don't get it? confused


x Caroline x
#917367 - 08/12/05 10:34 AM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!  
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Posts: 117
Richard Martin Offline
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Richard Martin  Offline
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Durham, UK
You need to sing the song (!)

"Somewhere over the rainbow,
weigh a pie"

Poor, I know. One of those things I found hilarious as a child and I still hear it through the same ears. Same often happens with pieces of music. Gosh, almost worthy of its own thread.

I'm out on the toon tonight woo; it's a big event when Durham is your usual haunt.

#917368 - 08/12/05 11:36 AM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!  
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 537
***musical princess*** Offline
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***musical princess***  Offline
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Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 537
Newcastle, England
Thanks for that! Now everytime i hear the song i'm gonna think of that and be in stitches. I'm singing it to myself now and when i listen to what im singing i can't tell whether i'm singing 'way up high' or weigh a pie'. Damn it!

A word of warning. Watch out for weirdo drunken people. There's alot of them in town on a Friday night. Very scary.

laugh

x


x Caroline x
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