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#900719 - 06/25/02 02:39 AM Church Bulletins  
Joined: May 2001
Posts: 3,291
Steve Miller Offline
3000 Post Club Member
Steve Miller  Offline
3000 Post Club Member

Joined: May 2001
Posts: 3,291
Yorba Linda, CA
Maybe you have already seen these, but I had not. I especially like the one about the low self-esteem group meeting.

Enjoy!

CHURCH BULLETINS

Thank God for Church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children, and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy."

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is heck?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and
gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 P.M. Prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church
basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."


Defender of the Landfill Piano
Piano & Music Accessories
#900720 - 06/25/02 06:32 AM Re: Church Bulletins  
Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 643
ChemicalGrl Offline
500 Post Club Member
ChemicalGrl  Offline
500 Post Club Member

Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 643
Durham, North Carolina
Yes, I've seen these. A friend, who is Director of Music at an area church and is also the webmaster for that church's website, had posted these gems on his website. Very funny indeed, and it is nice to be reminded of them again. Thanks for sharing.


Regards,
Lyn F.
#900721 - 06/25/02 07:44 AM Re: Church Bulletins  
Joined: May 2001
Posts: 10,729
Rich Galassini Offline
Yikes! 10000 Post Club Member
Rich Galassini  Offline
Yikes! 10000 Post Club Member

Joined: May 2001
Posts: 10,729
Philadelphia/South Jersey
laugh laugh

Thanks for sharing Steve. I love them!


Rich Galassini
Cunningham Piano Co.
Phila, Pa.
(215) 991-0834 direct line
rich@cunninghampiano.com
Check out the Science Channel's "How Its Made" featuring our piano restoration:
http://www.cunninghampiano.com/how-its-made/
#900722 - 06/25/02 08:56 AM Re: Church Bulletins  
Joined: May 2001
Posts: 2,506
AndrewG Offline
2000 Post Club Member
AndrewG  Offline
2000 Post Club Member

Joined: May 2001
Posts: 2,506
Denver, Colorado
Thanks for sharing.

These certainly are day brighteners!

#900723 - 06/25/02 09:04 AM Re: Church Bulletins  
Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 808
Samejame Offline
500 Post Club Member
Samejame  Offline
500 Post Club Member

Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 808
NL, Canada
Thanks, Steve.

These are a hoot!

Jamie


"A cynic knows the price of everything and the value of nothing" Oscar Wilde.
#900724 - 06/25/02 11:03 AM Re: Church Bulletins  
Joined: May 2001
Posts: 7,051
kenny Offline
7000 Post Club Member
kenny  Offline
7000 Post Club Member

Joined: May 2001
Posts: 7,051
Tooo funny
laugh

#900725 - 06/25/02 11:22 AM Re: Church Bulletins  
Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 585
nancyww Offline
500 Post Club Member
nancyww  Offline
500 Post Club Member

Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 585
central oregon
Never seen these before. Very funny, thanks Steve. laugh

#900726 - 06/27/02 01:03 AM Re: Church Bulletins  
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 3,192
RKVS1 Offline
3000 Post Club Member
RKVS1  Offline
3000 Post Club Member

Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 3,192
Topeka, Kansas
I really appreciated reading these. A few I had heard earlier but the rest really tickled me and brought back some fond memories. My Grandfather was a minister with a great deal of patience and an excellent sense of humor who would occasionally point out funny misstatements like these to us grandkids. He's been gone 20 years now, and whenever I'm reminded of him my first reaction is to smile.
Bob

#900727 - 06/27/02 04:53 PM Re: Church Bulletins  
Joined: May 2001
Posts: 6,960
jodi Offline
6000 Post Club Member
jodi  Offline
6000 Post Club Member

Joined: May 2001
Posts: 6,960
The Evergreen State (WA)
These are too funny! They remind me of a story told about my grandfather when he was principal of the local high school. It was a rowdy friday night at a basketball game with a rival school. The other school won the game, and was in the process of cutting down the basketball net, and the home crowd was getting angry. My grandfather, hoping to calm the crowd by letting them know it was o.k. for the other team to take the net, got on the loudspeaker with his booming voice and said "Let 'em have it."
All h*ll broke loose. laugh Jodi


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