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Re: Hurt Feelings
DutchTea #2791929 12/16/18 10:47 AM
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"Buck up - move on and knuckle down."

Exhibit A in how not to respond to an expression of someone's feelings.


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Re: Hurt Feelings
dmd #2791958 12/16/18 11:49 AM
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Originally Posted by dmd
.............In that same moment you may wish to get some input from him on how he "feels" about your practicing on an instrument that he can hear throughout the house.

I know I mentioned that before but I think it might be a good time to do that, also.

Give and Take … 3hearts
I have been thinking about this a lot lately. I practice every day (see my signature line) and on an acoustic piano. I practice in a room with the door closed to the main house, but I know (from listening to Mr. Stubbie play) that the door doesn't make all that much difference in the volume level. We have a digital, but it has problems and should be replaced. Maybe it's time to pull the trigger on purchasing a replacement. Much as I love my acoustic piano, I do recognize that it's always "on."

For those of us who spend a fair amount of time at practice, dmd makes a good point.


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Re: Hurt Feelings
DutchTea #2792019 12/16/18 01:57 PM
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Originally Posted by DutchTea
I'm still happily married, 30 years

Well, congratulations! And hoping for at least next 30.

It's better to deal with the problem now, when it is still small. You wouldn't want to hear, when the inevitable happens, the testament executor to read:

Quote
For my beloved wife M.P.:
her beloved Kawai baby grand.
PERIOD.


That would really hurt, wouldn't it? wink

Re: Hurt Feelings
DutchTea #2792036 12/16/18 02:48 PM
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M.P. The first 4 sentences of your post could have been written by me, except I started at 60. I have had the TV volume turned up in the next room and the door closed on me. So I decided a while back to play on my digital with ear phones when he is close, and the acoustic when he is out or the other end of the house. My encouragement comes from my teacber, who is pretty much my only audience. But I love learning piano like you. I really hope your husbands comment was a poorly timed attempt at humour, which for some reason hit a nerve. Carry on!

Re: Hurt Feelings
DutchTea #2792041 12/16/18 03:07 PM
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I think this forum is a fine place to talk about all our piano related feelings!


Learner
Re: Hurt Feelings
DDobs #2792048 12/16/18 03:28 PM
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Originally Posted by DDobs
"Buck up - move on and knuckle down."

Exhibit A in how not to respond to an expression of someone's feelings.


Actually, this response is the exact one needed here (although not the one necessarily wanted) - there is no valid reason for negative "feelings" - the only reaction warranted is perhaps laughter at the unintentional misunderstanding - anything else is simply unjustifiable hypersensitivity...

If she had asked him to sit down in the piano room, and then had first played the professional recording of the piece, and then had played it herself, and then had asked him for his honest opinion of what he thought, what do you suppose he would have said (in all honesty)? Would there have been worse feelings then?

He was trying to pay her a compliment, and he's oblivious to the "insult" because he didn't intend one and there's no logical reason to think that there could have been one - being "hurt" because someone thinks you've improved and sound better is not the response called for or expected here.

IOW, Buck up, knuckle down and move on - then someday soon the live performance and the recording will match...


John

"Difficulties deferred and challenges unmet will eventually return with a vengeance to bite one in the butt." (paraphrasing Chopin)
Re: Hurt Feelings
Handyman #2792055 12/16/18 03:42 PM
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Originally Posted by Handyman

Actually, this response is the exact one needed here (although not the one necessarily wanted) - there is no valid reason for negative "feelings" - the only reaction warranted is perhaps laughter at the unintentional misunderstanding - anything else is simply unjustifiable hypersensitivity...

Since when is hypersensitivity unjustifiable - or even needs to be justified? It just is what it is.

Look up HSP or high sensitivity. It's *normal* and not a choice. Just as little as some people bruising more easily than others.

Get off people's backs when they're already hurt ("if you can't say anything nice..." and all that). Jeez.


Sibylle


"Not a shred of evidence exists in favour of the idea that life is serious." -Brendan Gill
Re: Hurt Feelings
DutchTea #2792065 12/16/18 04:03 PM
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This is a good thread, anyone would feel hurt by a off the cuff comment by another when serious effort is made. It doesn’t have to be a spouse either -or a man.
Or -not even about music or piano...
I work in a profession where many times effort far exceeds recognition or a “wink and a nod”.
In fact,[-in my case-] the effort is usually evaluated against unrealistic standards of rules and regs.
You can imagine the kooky people doing evals and some even enjoying –what I consider- an over-fastidious job. -AKA healthcare management.
I call them wannabees [lol] & bettadanyou kinda folks.

But in your case, thankfully, it doesn’t seem that way.
Actually, it sounds like he has a good sense of humor, but at the wrong time.


I used to sing casually, and once was told … “You can sure sing, just not songs”.

So, Good Luck with playing and practice!

P.S. I’d try to make the goal here of "pretending to care" what someone says instead of “paying the dues” so to speak.




Re: Hurt Feelings
piano_primo #2792101 12/16/18 05:26 PM
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Originally Posted by piano_primo_1



I used to sing casually, and once was told … “You can sure sing, just not songs”.





I mean around the house or in a bar drinking --not a professional---.




Re: Hurt Feelings
Handyman #2792110 12/16/18 05:46 PM
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Originally Posted by Handyman
Originally Posted by Tyrone Slothrop

I think it is sad that the subject of "envy" is even arising in talking about spousal relations... But then again, we see all sorts of spousal relationships, including one which the people in the US are in the front row for (i.e. Kellyanne Conway & George Conway). So I suppose spousal relationships come in all flavors.


It's not really necessary to mention specific examples - especially if they're sadly and pathetically politically motivated...this is a Piano Forum, and not a "Bust Someone Connected to the Current American Administration Forum".


+1. Thank you,



Kawai NV10
Re: Hurt Feelings
cmb13 #2792125 12/16/18 06:35 PM
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CMB, people come over and my husband says play something, I just practice for my lesson. He told me, "you don't know how stupid it sounds when you say your taking lessons for 5 years and can't play." I guess it does, it not a guess it sounds bad, I would have to ask someone who stated that, where do you take lessons and still can't play? I am going to work on a couple of songs to play. That is a great idea. I just can't open a book and play. I am playing a duet for Christmas with my teacher, it is 4 hands two pianos song. I have been working on this since this summer. I hired him to play for the yearly party I give my family for Christmas. Thanks for your post.


Deb
"A goal properly set is halfway reached." Zig Ziglar
Re: Hurt Feelings
DutchTea #2792171 12/16/18 08:29 PM
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Sure, Deb! (To the OP, Sorry to take this off topic, but hey, that's what we do!).

As to how to do this, and sorry if I'm reiterating, pick a few pieces you like, that you can already play, and play them every day for a few days, then enter them into a rotation. Try to play them each once or twice a week. Then of the new ones you learn, if you feel you like one enough to keep it in your own personal repertoire, add it to the rotation.

I have some business cards with the name of the piece written on the back in sharpie, and rotate through the stack, one to three pieces per day, to keep them fresh. I'm not always good about it, in fact I slacked off while learning this tough (for me) nocturne, but I'll come back to the system.

See The Repertoire Vault for more ideas and info.


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Re: Hurt Feelings
DFSRN #2792190 12/16/18 09:24 PM
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Originally Posted by DFSRN
CMB, people come over and my husband says play something,


Invite your husband to prepare a duet with you so that the two of you have something ready when people come over!

Originally Posted by DFSRN
He told me, "you don't know how stupid it sounds when you say your taking lessons for 5 years and can't play." I guess it does, it not a guess it sounds bad,


If my husband said that to me, I'd tell him to ST*U! It isn't my goal to play for people who come over. If it were, I'd work something out to play.


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Re: Hurt Feelings
malkin #2792196 12/16/18 09:45 PM
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Malkin that is a good response, its not my goal. I have to say my family is supportive and always want me to play something. I am just a nervous to play in front of people although I am getting better. I am even nervous to play in front of the teacher. I teach classes weekly, coach/mentor, nursing preceptor, goal setting/professional development etc............ I can speak in front of 100 people without difficulty. Having to play the piano is a different story. At church the pastor wants me to play, I could never play in front of all those people. My husband has no interest in playing the piano, I told him when he learns to play then both of us can play at church. I have a Yamaha YUS 5 I bought new in 2015 and a Clavinova, CLP 575. When my dad passed I was going to give my husband his Clavinova, he did not want it. So he can't use the excuse we only have one piano. For Christmas I am doing a duet, it is 5 pages long with my instructor. I have been working on it since summer. It just takes me a long time to get something to performance level.


Deb
"A goal properly set is halfway reached." Zig Ziglar
Re: Hurt Feelings
DutchTea #2792199 12/16/18 09:55 PM
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So encouraging! I too have been studying piano for now my fifth year. I cannot just open a music book and play a piece with any degree of skill. A great idea to choose a piece, work on it, and have it as a “signature” piece to play for others if requested.

Re: Hurt Feelings
anncarley #2792205 12/16/18 10:12 PM
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When they ask for a second piece, say that will be another 6 months smile................. deb


Deb
"A goal properly set is halfway reached." Zig Ziglar
Re: Hurt Feelings
DutchTea #2792245 12/17/18 04:35 AM
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Another way to look at this thread would be to realize how much power you have over other people with just your comments towards them . Words are cheap, but they can turn out expensive; especially for the recipient. You shouldn't just casually toss around negative comments towards others as you may not fully understand how they are being received.

But before throwing anyone under the bus, look to 'intent'. Always look at someones intent first before casting any judgement on them as many times things are not as they may seem. Also, cut someone slack on an isolated event. It's ongoing long term negativity I'd worry about.

If someone is purposely trying to hurt you on an ongoing basis, then you may want to consider that. However, an unintended misunderstanding can probably be talked through over dinner at Outback leading to makeup sex later on wow; and that sounds like a better plan to me! thumb

Re: Hurt Feelings
DutchTea #2792255 12/17/18 06:29 AM
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Well said, although I think we can do better than Outback!


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Re: Hurt Feelings
DFSRN #2792265 12/17/18 07:06 AM
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Originally Posted by DFSRN
CMB, people come over and my husband says play something, I just practice for my lesson. He told me, "you don't know how stupid it sounds when you say your taking lessons for 5 years and can't play." I guess it does, it not a guess it sounds bad, I would have to ask someone who stated that, where do you take lessons and still can't play? I am going to work on a couple of songs to play. That is a great idea. I just can't open a book and play. I am playing a duet for Christmas with my teacher, it is 4 hands two pianos song. I have been working on this since this summer. I hired him to play for the yearly party I give my family for Christmas. Thanks for your post.

I've been playing for heaven knows how long and I've only ever once played something for visitors, and even then it was because we were discussing Irish songs and I played one to give them some idea of how they sounded. Never played anything to entertain guests, show that I can play or whatever - good grief, if they really think I can't play the thing then as they say here in France, 'tant pis' (so much of nothing!)


regards
Pete
Re: Hurt Feelings
mr_super-hunky #2792294 12/17/18 09:07 AM
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Originally Posted by mr_super-hunky
...You shouldn't just casually toss around negative comments towards others as you may not fully understand how they are being received.


Yes, agreed - but often so-called "negative comments" aren't negative at all, nor are they casually tossed around - instead of being perceived as negative they should instead be taken as realistic but encouraging words of "tough love" - the exact medicine some need to swallow on occasion ...

Originally Posted by mr_super-hunky

... However, an unintended misunderstanding can probably be talked through over dinner at Outback leading to makeup sex later on wow; and that sounds like a better plan to me! thumb


If you've ever eaten at Outback (or Longhorn, Texas Roadhouse, etc.) you must know that after the bread and salad and appetizers and the main course and the sides and the desert and the cold adult beverages to wash the whole feast down with, the last thing you may be able or willing to get involved with is the exertion of an intensely physical boogie-woogie in the boudoir... crazy


John

"Difficulties deferred and challenges unmet will eventually return with a vengeance to bite one in the butt." (paraphrasing Chopin)
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