Piano World Home Page Forums Our Most Popular Forums Piano Forum Steinway's lament. Needs help.

Matt1224,

It is often that people we love, family and friends do not act exactly as expected.

Your view of the situation and the others view of the same situation may well be totally different. Is it possible that no disrespect was intended?

Perhaps your family was just interested in seeing the piano as they know it is very important to you. If I had a grand piano, and a Steinway at that, I would love my family to come and see it. Yes, I could see that you would like them to seek your permission first, but perhaps that was implied when you handed the keys over. It sounds as if you have had a very supportive
family that must some understanding of the importance of music to you.

You love music, and you can still love music and create beautiful music. Someone looking at your piano should not affect your enjoyment of the Steinway, but that is totally up to you.

Don't let this incredible gift go wasted. We choose how we react to situations. Have you found yourself in similar "misunderstandings" in the past with others? Often when I have a disagreement with others I think about whether or not there may be another way to look at the situation. Could I be mistaken? Could I have misread the intent? What would others think of this situation, other people that I admire, and I think act logically and with maturity. It quite often turns out that I am wrong just as much as I am right. Can you step back from the situation and compartmentalize this, and carry on? I hope you choose to. Enjoy your Steinway, please. This type of question also might require a different type of professional advice, perhaps you have someone you admire that could provide you with advice. Your love of music is evident share that Steinway with others, let them listen to it and bring your family and friends to hear you. Good luck!

Matt - Your dealer can't help you - neither can a group of strangers on the internet who are "senior players." You are very conflicted and obviously unable to let "whatever is bothering you" go. Your best bet is to work through your issues during sessions with a professional counselor. That said, I'm not completely convinced that you aren't pulling our legs.

To OP (Matt1224),

The following words may sound harsh, but I am dead serious.

1. If having someone(s), in your family, peeking your piano disturbed you so much, the fact that the piano was seen is not the problem. You are the problem; you need help from a counselor, psychiatrist, therapeutic, or any resources you can find there.

2. True pianists are not that obsessed with their own pianos. It's a delight to have decent instruments readily available at home, but professional pianists have to deal with pianos in all kinds of conditions. Have you ever heard about PSO, piano-shaped objects? Pros often have to cope with those. Plenty of professional pianists have beat-up instrument at home.

Inviting your family to your home and playing to them is a wonderful idea . Just play that wonderful piano !

With all due respect, I doubt inviting the family into the OP's inner sanctum to hear the piano is going to solve the problem...….

We try and give hope .There is always someone who may come to our home ,our inner sanctum to help in a case of despair . What would you suggest ?

Maybe it's just a family thing that can be mended , therapist yes ,but suggesting contact with family could help .

Matt, you said you would welcome positive and constructive comments.

I'm sorry, but I must admonish you for your spoilt behaviour. Here are some issues I take offense with:
- You are angry with your brother for topping up your fish tank with water. However, I believe that this is something you should do yourself. I think your brother did you a favour because he cares about you.
- Your mother sneaked a peek at your piano. I would certainly think she has the right, seeing as your father just forked out large sums of money to buy it for you. Do you know how much of a sacrifice it would have been to afford that instrument? I saved for several years to buy my own piano. Unlike you, I proudly bought what I could afford with my own savings.

Finally, if something as simple as annoyance with your family can destroy your love of music, I think you need to see a shrink. You should also pay for these sessions yourself instead of spooning off your parents in your mid-twenties. Also, with that attitude I presume you don't have a job. If I was your father, I would sell off the piano and kick you out of home to teach you a lesson.

John.

I had locked this topic because I had received moderator reports that replies were unkind toward the OP. When I investigated, I saw it was true.

HOWEVER, I have since received a PM from the OP. The OP advised me that he is not offended and requested that the topic be reopened. I have decided to grant his request.

This can be a lesson. Often times I receive moderator reports from concerned members advising me that a post is unkind to someone. It may indeed appear to be so. But just because a post appears to be unkind to us does not mean that the person it is directed towards considers it to be offensive.

Matt1224 -

Most of us here on PW are from the Western World. All of us here hold the piano as an instrument in high regard. We often refer to their beauty and musical characteristics as a piano's "soul" or "personality". We can get deeply emotional about a piano that really "grabs" our attention and touches our hearts with heavenly sounds, and we express that in very "spiritual" terms. However, in our cultures, inanimate objects like the piano do not have a "spirit" of any kind. We highly value them, and when we have one or access to one that really "speaks" to us musically, we are very protective of them. I recently bought my own "used" Steinway Model B. My wife now jokingly tells people that it's like having another child, when talking about controlling the temperature and humidity in our house. I don't want anyone (family or not) to do anything to damage our piano, but I do not value it more than I value my family and friends. We even sometimes say that we "love" our pianos. When really we can't love objects. We can ENJOY them, meaning they provide us experiences that bring us JOY, but we can't love them. We can only love other people and God (if you believe in Him).

I say this to explain some of the reactions you might have received. I know that in other cultures, there are different "spiritual" belief systems involved that westerners (like most of us here on PW) probably don't understand. We also very different family structures regarding our inter-personal relationships and the way we show respect for each other. If that's the case, you might not get the responses from us that you might expect from other "piano-lovers".

The fact that your mother and your brother looked at your Steinway without your being there is unfortunate because it meant so much to you. If you had told them that before, they would have probably respected your wishes. But if your mother goes to your house regularly when you are not there, she probably didn't think anything about going and taking your brother. In my mind, they did not "disrespect" the Steinway. They didn't do anything to damage it. Did they every play a not?

Everything else aside. I say with with the utmost respect and care for you. The fact that they saw the piano has not affected your music. The piano has not changed and nothing in your house has changed. What is affecting your music is how you feel about these events. It has affected your emotions and your mindset toward music and your family. That is our perspective from the western mindset. This thing has gotten in your head. It's on your mind constantly. You can't look at the piano or your mother or brother without getting upset over it. In our world view -- the way we see life, the universe, people, things, and God, that's how we see it. Much like a bad football game will get in a Quarterback's head and he then repeats the same behavior and fails in the same way over and over again.

No my father didn't really ''invest'' me for this, but ''expect'' me to be in a correct path, to say accurately. My brother doesn't have any comment on it(the piano, not my father's expectation even when he doesn't know what his expectation is).

Insecurity...yeah maybe, but not about the controllability of my Steinway A. It feels good. That's why I am saying I am ''adapting'' to it, which means that I am working on my skills on it. When I said adaptation, I didn't mean I cannot play on it. I meant those skills accumulated from my Yamaha upright, have to ''pour'' into my grand. It should be a smooth process, without disturbing(as I don't like disturbance), so that it can be developed "naturally", like a seedling naturally grows into a big tree. Half a month is merely adequate, and a bit rush. A month is "enough", but not strong enough. Two month would be sufficient, but can be even stronger. I feel like half a year is plentiful. When I said adaptation, I really meant to "bring out" those Steinway sounds. I don't really mean just to play it technically, if you get what I am describing...I really mean to play professionally, to bring out the sound from the Steinway, to "sing out" the potential of a Steinway. That's my confusion, whether their invasion thus influence will affect my adaptation to a Steinway.....

No my piano belongs exactly to me, as he paid for me and it's mine now. Undeniable.
I see your points made in the second paragraph. That's why I am struggling. I just played the Steinway one hour ago. I felt my "magic" was gone. No passion. It's different from before. I don't know if it is related to their invasion or what....That's why I am struggling. As you said, I have to be mature. That's the plight I am at right now. It is because my music was ''nurtured'' since I played 15 years ago. My musical sense was nurtured and develop since then. It is a feeling. It is a spirit. It is an ability. But after their invasion, I found it lost.....Here's the fork: whether I should break with their relationship(as many don't suggest so and I am hesitated) in order to preserve my "pure" musical sense (also because I want to retain those pure, innocent, plain emotion from my childhood since I started playing piano, throughout my entire life, even I would change by our society when I get older, even I will face any adversity in my life, I want to preserve that. I think that the most natural thing is the most beautiful. The same as my musical sense. Also, I think this emotion(as in my music) is precious. If it is vanished, it can no longer be found back.), or I should become mature, hence my music will change because of my emotion changes. Hope I didn't describe it too ''abstractly''. It feels like their invasion really triggered some "unsolved"(or I don't know how to describe.....raw?) emotions or issues from myself. Maybe it is because the room is my personal space, very very personal one, and important one. But for whatever reasons, it feels like that. Should I preserve it? Or "evolve" from it.....? As I said, I really cherish those "raw" emotions from my childhood. They feel ''real'' to me, thus ''real'' to my music, natural to my music.....
As you said, "my perception is that you would benefit from a serving of such now". I totally agree. It feels like this world is telling me to be mature, so this universe is giving me this invasion, like even hitting on my deepest spot(my room) as music is being the most important to me, in order for me to grow. I believe in spirituality, if it doesn't offend against your belief. So the struggle really goes between whether I should "preserve", or to "go"..... I cannot decide. I also cannot discern what this universe is telling me...what it means... and I don't know what to do.....If I preserve, I got what I deem as the most natural thing, hence the most beautiful; if I go, the music would change into another form.....more artificial if I describe accurately.
"Practice until you deem yourself worthy of the fine instrument you've been given", that's why I play it very often. That's why I am working on it. That's why I am struggling. That's why I am struggling and ask for opinions, and concerning about the adaptation period.....


1) It is my new house. I don't often go there. It is quite empty. I don't live there. Therefore, I created a sacred place there, where I can go there and play alone and "communicate with my god". Therefore I was so concerned about the piano being looked at because their behaviour were "too" disrespectful. I concern about changing water and tidying. That's why I put the disassembled bed in the living room but my mom considered herself(without asking me) and moved it into other place where she thought it was unobstructed in order to change the tank water from the tank to the toilet, making the path from the tank to the toilet "clear". I always concern about changing the tank water that's why I change it every week or two weeks but my mother sometimes go to my house to change for me and at the same time strolls around where my house located at because it is quite beautiful around and she just wants to wander around.

2) I always change it myself.

3) No I do stuff that should be doing myself at my age. I change my tank, I buy my things, I change my bed sheet. After all, I have lived my independent university life for 4 years. Even if I am "dependent" on my mom, I am not "dependent" as you described.

4) No. I gave her a year ago lol. Just because of contingency.

5) No..... I/people assign meanings to things.....

6) No. I thought they have disrespected it. As a Steinway owner(not to be proud but just mechanically speaking), I cannot tolerate such thing happened.....

7) Yes.


You are some sensible one here. I got what you meant...but those experiences may just be some of the reasons. As I replied above to P W Grey, as a Steinway owner, I cannot tolerate such thing happened. This maybe one of the bigger reasons I guess.....I am not sure if it is all about life experiences. Other reasons maybe like this Steinway is very very expensive, I am very disheartened by their intrusion and disrespect..... I deem this Steinway as "alive". I cannot tolerate any disrespect to her. I am like protecting her, and the "esteem" of Steinway as an intangible conscious ideological existence and the Steinway circle. Other reason maybe that they have invaded my boundaries as the house is mine, especially the piano room as I view it as my sanctum.


Thank you two for suggesting. But I am afraid inviting them to listen to my playing may aggravate my emotion.....It is because I feel like I will lose my self esteem if I do so.....I am thinking like "why should I invite them to go here, but not them initiatively request me to have a look". I have thought about if they could initiatively request me to go to have a look and listen to it(including my mom and brother), things would be amended, but not beneficial as -1+1=0... But I don't think it is possible.....
Thanks for Carey offering the word "sanctum". I have been finding it for a long time!

Nope. My mother changes my tank water sometimes because she likes to have a walk around my house area because it is beautiful and simultaneously go to my house and changes water as I have replied to P W Grey above. That doesn't mean that I won't do it myself. They also moved around my disassemble bed without my permission first, which triggered my rage. I didn't appreciated it even they "thought" they helped me but instead I blamed them for their disrespect and thinking themselves as helping me a lot.
My mother certainly has not the right to sneak a peek at my piano. As I said, it is my own house. Anyone wants to go in surely have to ask me first. Second, the door of my piano room is closed due to dehumidification. She and my brother crudely opened it and walked into it and have a look at it just because of curiosity totally disrespected me and my piano. Also, this is my sanctum, I don't allow such disrespect. My father formed out large sums of money to buy it for me doesn't necessarily mean she has the right to sneak a peek at my piano. My father formed out large sums of money to buy it for me, that means it's mine.
Finally, something as simple as annoyance with my family doesn't destroy my love of music; but just the opposite, it's because I love my music SO much, I do not tolerate any retrogression of my music. Therefore, I care about it so much and come here wanting for clarification of my stuff. Seemingly, you do not quite understand what my situation is yet.....Look at the reply above to Steve and you may find out more

I don't think you understood my situation quite yet

Thank you for standing up for me. It is not a lesson at all as you did nothing wrong. It is right to stop those unkindness if you see it. I didn't mean they are not offensive, actually they are, but I am just not so reactive to that.....
There are more love than hate in this post. I can feel that. And discussions are valuable. That's why I requested you to reopen it.

Hi Matt1224,

I hope I did not say anything in my previous post that you might find offensive. In my profession I work with individuals who at times think in black and white, "all or nothing" terms. I am not certain whether or not you would agree that this applies to you or not, and I don't know you at all, but perhaps you could consider some potentially helpful questions you might ask yourself. Such as: Is there anything good or positive about this situation? Is there any other way one could look at a situation? Could I replace thoughts such as, "this has ruined my Steinway experience" ( I am paraphrasing here),with, "this wasn't expected but I am strong enough to handle it"? Would you be able to step outside of yourself and look at the situation from the point of view of another person? Not trying to diminish your anger, feeling are what they are. You say your friends have given their opinion about the situation. Do you feel your friends have your best interest at heart? You appear to have a great affiliation for music and a strong emotional response to your instrument. Your relationship with music and your piano need not be changed. If you had similar issues in the past how did you resolve them? I would guess that an awful lot of musicians feel more inclined to practice on some days rather than others. Your piano will be ready for you when you are. I bet you will have many splendid years together. Good luck.

Beethoven's father had grand musical ambitions for him, and contributed by securing or engaging excellent tutors and mentors. but it was his mother who gave him the inner fortitude to overcome setbacks and challenges. Beethoven constantly kept in his heart his mother's advice, there cannot be great accomplishments without great struggle. [women who've birthed children probably understand this viscerally more than most men]. if playing piano is essential for you, you must find a way to overcome the negativity. it is not necessarily required that you intellectually or emotionally sort out whether the negativity comes from your attitude or sensitivity, or from your family - - you have the option of simply resolving that playing piano is more important to you than any bad memories or grudges or interpersonal transgressions, and make yourself do it. your inner conflicts will probably take a lifetime to sort out, if it ever takes place, so you might lose a lifetime if you're convinced that resolution of all your conflicts has to come before you recreate music at the piano.

In the western world most of us are in, spiritual and/or emotional attachements to inanimate objects is perceived as unusual and somewhat inappropriate, so you can understand some of the reactions you will read here. We will also usually make a distinction between happiness vs joy and pleasure. We generally consider happiness to be a long term basic, inner sentiment of well being that reaches our soul, while joy and pleasure are a more immediate sense of "fun" brought about by something we do or experience at that moment. We will generally consider that an object like a piano can bring joy and pleasure (and maybe a temporary sense of happiness), while more basic things like family relationships, romance and things like personal success can contribute to long term happiness.

Now bear in mind that much of this might be cultural and seem "natural" to us in our western culture. My point is: most of our advice will sound to be along the lines of "don't sacrifice a family relationship over single incident like this". An additional complication for us is that the notion of "respect", as you've brought up many times, can be quite different in how it's perceived through words and actions. We might never really be able to grasp the true meaning that this has for you vs us. My only advice, if we can call it that, would be to have a nice calm discussion with your mother and brother as to how this incident made you feel, and hopefully to feel understood.

I agree with the earlier responses to the OP that include the advice that the OP consult a therapist or, in the alternative, find a site designed to provide psychiatric or emotional support and/or advice. Perhaps a site devoted to anxiety might help. This is a forum devoted to pianos. As far as I can tell, the issues raised by the OP are not really related to pianos as pianos at all. The piano just got caught in the larger set of issues that the OP seems to have. I encourage the OP to get help for those larger issues, but a piano forum is surely not the right place.

Why don't you invite a priest of whatever religion you are closest to, to perform a blessing ceremony on your room and on your piano. Even if you are an atheist, it might just be a nice ritual to perform to give you and your music room a new start, like a naming ceremony or baptising of a baby.

You can work out your issues with your family with a therapist or friends, or perhaps private message people on here you trust in the meantime.

Families are always difficult, and it sounds like this is much deeper than your mother and brother simply looking at the piano.

The only caveat I would put on the family thing is that sometimes certain family members prove to be "toxic", and no amount of trying to make it better works...ever...because they will not allow it.

It is impossible to know if that type of situation exists here with the OP himself or with one or more family members. I agree that competent psychological counseling would be beneficial and recommended. We are not in a position to advise anything beyond the musical and technical.

Matt1224,

Don't forget that your Steinway needs much more regular attention from a competent technician in the first few years of its life. Make sure you get it tuned at least 4 times the first year, and ask the tech to do some voicing as needed to gradually bring out its true voice. This actually takes some time as the instrument matures. It us, in fact much like a person in many ways, so your feelings are not out of line (perhaps a little extreme though).

I hope you have the services of a good tech at your disposal.

Pwg

"Most of us here on PW are from the Western World", yeah, I know. That's why I come here because I would love to listen to views from the western. It is more solid.
" If that's the case, you might not get the responses from us that you might expect from other "piano-lovers".", no, I didn't expect something as you implied between your words.....I actually found valuable comments here, and some views are of precious as I think.....and understandable and being quite conforming to what was said from my friends here..... The comments are okay.
They didn't play a note. They didn't intend to disrespect it, but in my perspective, they have come in, which triggers my emotion and discomfort, which affects my music especially when "I" am in "the room" to play.....I don't really don't know that they didn't intend to but they "actually" disrespected it and things happened and it is not about forgiveness(as I have already mentioned in the first post) but rather my feeling when I am in the room.....That said I understood totally what their incentives and thinkings are but the problem lies in how I feel about it when I am in the room..... I don't want any impurity in my music and I deem even "forgiving them" or "letting go" or whatsoever as impurity because it will change my music to other "stuff".....rather than retaining it from my pure, natural heart from my childhood.
It's good to receive clarification that they saw the piano has not affected my music. I know it is how I feel about these events affected my music and affected my emotions and my mindset toward music. Actually we (I?) think that way too but the problem is how to get rid of it..... I don't want any imperfection in my "music history"..... I am afraid that it would retain in my memory and affect my music forever as I was(am) really furious and raged about it.....

"I hope I did not say anything in my previous post that you might find offensive." Nope.
Those questions are really useful and valuable. Thank you very much. And the paraphrase really accurate described what my situation is. Good paraphrase that I am looking for~
"You say your friends have given their opinion about the situation. Do you feel your friends have your best interest at heart?" Yeah but they don't know or play music so it was not persuasive.
Actually I deem the room as where I can be with myself quietly and solely, so such intrusion is not allowed.....I don't know how to resolve this...But your advice is worthwhile to think about. Thank you.

So that's why I am struggling because if I think like that, I feel my music changes to other "impure" form.....It is "unnatural". But thank you.


Actually, I don't see my piano as a god, but because when I play piano, I connect to my inner heart, which means I am connecting and communicating with my god, so that I think my piano room is a sacred place, especially giving me chances to communicate with my god. But thanks for the explanation of that cultural thing. When I said "respect", I meant they didn't ask me to walk into my house, and move my thing, and the most crucially, didn't ask me beforehand to open the door and walk into my room.



The post has everything to do with piano and music. Since I have bought a Steinway(which means much to me), and such event happened and made me feel I have lost my music, I need help from here.



I have said I don't mean "god" exists in my room, or in my piano. What I mean is that when I am playing piano, I communicate with my inner heart, thus communicating and connecting with god. That's why I think my piano room as "sacred".





One very important thing I have omitted is that this piano room is somewhere I can be quiet and alone and communicate with myself through music. Therefore, I do not allow any disturbance and bad things happen there. I am afraid that this unpleasant experience may cause me bad memory thus emotion, so my music would be influenced forever. That's why I wanted to(but not sure right now after listening to you guys) break my relationship with them because I would feel better thus my music would not be disturbed.....

Oh yeah, and also that I found this Steinway can easily play out of one's heart, which means it can "know" what your heart is "playing", and makes music out of what your heart is thinking, so that's why I am very reactive and concerned about how the trivial emotion brought by this event can impact my music on my Steinway(because I sense that before and after this event, the music played out by the Steinway is somewhat different). Which means I want my "pure" music, and "pure" room, that's why.....I don't want any disturbance.....That's why I wanted(not sure now after you guys' opinion) to break relation with them.....in order to regain my "pure" music.....

Matt
I would advise that breaking with your family may not give you a ‘pure’ heart.... but a troubled one, please take the step to talk to a counselor regarding the relationship with your family.