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Joined: Mar 2006
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I am not open to suggestions, critique or interrogation from this woman. The time for her to talk to me about my credentials is past. I was already clear about who I am with the family and she chose not to be there.
I don't like being put into a defensive position after the fact. If I bow down in this dynamic I am giving her the idea that I am her subordinate because she pays me. There's an old expression, He who pays the piper calls the tune. Pipers who ignore this often find themselves in the unemployment line. For all we know, Grandma may subscribe to this belief, and if so, looks like you two are on a collision course, and she holds the purse strings. Did she sign a payment contract with you?
"Those who dare to teach must never cease to learn." -- Richard Henry Dann Full-time Private Piano Teacher offering Piano Lessons in Olympia, WA. www.mypianoteacher.com Certified by the American College of Musicians; member NGPT, MTNA, WSMTA, OMTA
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Joined: Jan 2008
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Good communication is important.
I can sympathize with the OP's frustration in dealing with what appears to be a demanding Grandma.
But I'll take Grandma's side for a moment. For all we know, the parents may have given Granny the wrong date for meeting with teacher...and may have purposefully excluded her from the interview process, yet expect her to pay the bills.
I'm thinking of trouble I have at the mechanics. I only get to speak to a non-mechanic with a clipboard. I will explain the trouble my car is having. And he will jot down "Six clicks to start". I never get to speak to the mechanic to discuss this problem...and give significant info that needs to be relayed. Not surprising that the mechanic has not been able to solve the problem.
I just think it's important to be able to go directly to the mechanic (or in this case the teacher) and not have to communicate through an intermediary.
Maybe Grandma gets disrespect from family, and she wants to be heard for a change.
I don't blame the OP in any way. But I'm encouraging some patience with Grandma.
Now if she's barging in on lessons routinely, I would want to set some limits on that.
Last edited by Ann in Kentucky; 09/15/12 07:14 PM.
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Joined: Aug 2008
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There are so many things wrong here.
1) The demand was made that the teacher show up early. The family is not paying for the time. The answer should be: "NO!"
2) For all the criticism that the Net gets, it does have uses. I have information about my background on the Net. The link is handed out to students in the first lesson. Anything people need to know is there, and it covers any question about my background, experience, etc.
3) The reason many of us will not teach "in the home" is that the moment you go to a home, you are in an uncontrolled environment. So for people who do teach in homes, things have to be set up REALLY solid, every bit of policy spelled out, and money must be collected before a lesson is given.
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Joined: Aug 2008
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I had a lengthy interview with the parents and children already...weeks and weeks ago. We had a great first meeting and launched into good lessons.
I dialogue frequently with my students and parents regarding lessons. We talk about what is working and what is not working. We work together as a team to make sure my student and their child is getting the very best for what I can offer. If there is a problem or things are stagnating, we explore other options and I often post my struggles right here on this board.
This woman was not coming at me from a "team" perspective. Remember, I was suppose to meet her already and she bailed. She likes to call the shots here, obviously.
I am not open to suggestions, critique or interrogation from this woman. The time for her to talk to me about my credentials is past. I was already clear about who I am with the family and she chose not to be there.
I don't like being put into a defensive position after the fact. If I bow down in this dynamic I am giving her the idea that I am her subordinate because she pays me.
Do we question a plummer while he does his work? A roofer? A Car Mechanic? "Uh excuse me, Mr. Mechanic but I think that hose thing whatchamacallit you have there needs some glue or something. It looks weird. Where did you study car mechanics? The moon?"
When parents or grandparents sit in on lessons, I am happy to answer questions. It is not the same as a mechanic, who has to complete a job NOW. If we ask questions, we slow down his work. If we answer questions, we still finish on time. And sometimes real problems come up in lessons. Having parents and grandparents around allows me to clear things up that are important to ME. That said, I make it crystal clear that I am the teacher, I am the one who has the knowledge, and if I am challenged, I can demonstrate through playing who knows - and who does not. It's rather easy for me to put people in their place when they begin to THINK the know more than I do about how to teach. What is a worse problem for me is when student A gets "help" from person B, with advice that counters what I am teaching. In that case I try to get Uncle Joe or Aunt Sue or Grandma to COME to a lesson - which gives me the opportunity to tell these people, politely, to take over teaching for me or butt out. 
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Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 2,651
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Yeah, my mechanic analogy was only to make the point that communication problems cause trouble in many areas: business, marriage, forum discussions etc.
I think face to face communication with grandma may help, but I too would say no to showing up early for this.
Like Gary, I think it helps to have a website. Anyone with questions can look over your credentials, philosophy, teaching methods, studio policy and whatever else you choose to put on your website. Saves a lot of time to refer people to the website, and then let you know if they have questions AFTER they've read your policies etc.
Last edited by Ann in Kentucky; 09/15/12 05:20 PM.
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Joined: Jan 2008
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2000 Post Club Member
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I say all this about patience with grandma. However, I have declined accepting a new student when mom was a bit rude to me. Someone who speaks to me in the tone she used, simply does not get into my studio. We each have our limits. Some issues we can work through, and others are not worth it.
I trust that trillingadventurer will know when the red flag has gone up. BTW, I used to think a red flag meant "caution". Later I learned that in racing it means "stop" and is displayed when conditions are too dangerous to continue.
Maybe this will all blow over. Or maybe the situation will be too dangerous to the OP's peace of mind. In that case, you can always stop.
Last edited by Ann in Kentucky; 09/15/12 09:54 PM.
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Joined: May 2008
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OP
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You guys have lots of wisdom and experience to help me with interesting and new situations. I hope that I can someday go out to coffee with Grandma and perhaps learn a thing or two from her. You never know. This is a brand new situation and it will be interesting to see where it heads.
I hope that I am wrong about the red flags. It's so easy to start making all kinds of crazy assumptions that may or may not be true. Perhaps she tried really hard to make it to the first meeting or infact she was left out on purpose. I hadn't thought about that.
That's why I love posting here so much. It makes me pause, reflect and not jump to crazy conclusions.
Thank you all so much. And I hope to share good news about this family, soon!
M. Katchur
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Joined: May 2008
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OP
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Joined: May 2008
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So I got a call on Friday from the boys' mother that there will be no more piano lessons. Grandma has decided to stop paying for lessons. No last months notice, as requested during our initial meeting (where Grandma did not attend), no contact from Grandma (who never did respond to my email). The boys loved lessons with me and were progressing great. We had talked at length about what they would perform at the recital coming up.
Financially it gouged my Christmas money fund for December so I had some emotions about that. (And still do I guess)The mom was like, "Of course the boys are heartbroken but we just can't afford it on our own."
I left the mom a message stating that I was sorry she decided to stop lessons.
I say good riddance to that complicated dynamic...but I will miss those sweet boys.
M. Katchur
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Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 1,461
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I'm sorry it had to end like that, but it is probably for the best.
Did the parent sign a policy with you about paying for the last month of lessons? If so, I wouldn't let them off the hook so easily.
~Stanny~ Independent Music Teacher Certified Piano Teacher, American College of Musicians Member: MTNA, NGPT, ASMTA, NAMTA
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Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 1,654
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I'm sorry it had to end like that, but it is probably for the best.
Did the parent sign a policy with you about paying for the last month of lessons? If so, I wouldn't let them off the hook so easily. +1 Also I would add: there may be more to this situation, as in whatever the relationship is between the boys' mom and grandma. This may not really be about you in the first place. But I do agree, trust the fact that you saw the red flag, dust off and move on. I wouldn't attempt to continue any contact at all with Grams. It does help to post here and get help and suggestions, helps us feel better for sure.
Piano Teacher
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OP
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Its just so nice to vent here. I am looking forward to filling that slot with a healthier relationship.
I already let them off the hook regarding the last month of lessons. I find that when students quit abruptly, its best to not drag it on for the sake of a few hundred dollars.
I of course will not pursue the relationship any further unless the parents are paying. But I have a feeling this is the end....
M. Katchur
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