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Relationship advice. Please help.
#1664723 04/22/11 08:42 AM
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Here are the facts. When I come home from work, I MUST start practising my piano. Typically, after 1 hour of practice, I get tired and then I take a one hour break before I practice again for another hour. I do this until it is time to sleep. During that one hour break, I'm free to do anything but I usually choose to pursue my secondary hobby, which is chess. The chess I can sacrifice, but the piano I cannot.

The typical date of course lasts more than one hour, of course. On weekends, the breaks last longer, but still not long enough for a (proper) date, and I still very much want to study chess during those breaks. Phone conversations are manageable during these breaks of course, but no relationship can consist only of phone conversations. So then there's the option of having her at my place, while I do my practising. But it won't work. She may be intrigued for the first 10 minutes and then she will be bored like heck. This will only worsen the relationship.

You might be wondering, why am I seeking advice from a piano forum instead of somewhere else? Well, like you people, I cannot sacrifice much of my piano time. A proper relationship requires a lot of (undivided) attention per day, which I don't have unless I sacrifice my chess completely (which already makes me unhappy), and much of my piano time (the biggest sacrifice of all). I'm not in a relationship right now, but I could be if I choose to make this sacrifice. Any advice? Remember, you people don't want to sacrifice your piano time either. Incidentally, there is something very specific that I look for in women, which occurs in about 1 in 10,000, and she has it. If I give her up, I may never find such a woman again.




Last edited by MathTeacher; 04/22/11 10:17 AM.
Re: Relationship advice. Please help.
MathTeacher #1664729 04/22/11 08:56 AM
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Re: Relationship advice. Please help.
MathTeacher #1664730 04/22/11 08:57 AM
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Life is a series of choices. If you'd rather play the piano than go out on dates, that's not a capital offense.

I'm not sure what your question is. If you're looking for someone to tell you that it's ok to practice the piano and play chess instead of developing a relationship with a woman, then all I can say is...

Do what makes you happy!

Last edited by cardguy; 04/22/11 09:07 AM.
Re: Relationship advice. Please help.
MathTeacher #1664734 04/22/11 09:04 AM
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Your Age?..If you play piano as a hobby the girl ..if she does not have the same passion for music(plays an instrument) it will be a case of her or the piano..I've know many instances of men giving it up for the woman they love...only years later..still having a longing for the piano..maybe unhapply so..
my advice... choose wisely..

Re: Relationship advice. Please help.
theJourney #1664736 04/22/11 09:09 AM
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Originally Posted by theJourney


Are you saying that I should just make my piano my wife???

Re: Relationship advice. Please help.
cardguy #1664737 04/22/11 09:11 AM
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Originally Posted by cardguy
Life is a series of choices. If you'd rather play the piano than go out on dates, that's not a capital offense.

I'm not sure what your question is. If you're looking for someone to tell you that it's ok to practice the piano and play chess instead of developing a relationship with a woman, then all I can say is...

Do what makes you happy!


I can go out on a date, but only during the weekend when I have longer breaks from my piano. My real question is about getting into a relationship, which requires going on dates more often than just the weekends.

Re: Relationship advice. Please help.
Bob Newbie #1664742 04/22/11 09:14 AM
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Originally Posted by Bob Newbie
Your Age?..If you play piano as a hobby the girl ..if she does not have the same passion for music(plays an instrument) it will be a case of her or the piano..I've know many instances of men giving it up for the woman they love...only years later..still having a longing for the piano..maybe unhapply so..
my advice... choose wisely..


I'm 28. She has no real passion for piano and even less for chess. I could seek someone who loves the same hobbies as me, but this particular woman is one of physical attraction, which I prefer over someone who simply has the same hobbies as me (I don't need someone with the same hobbies as me to pursue my hobbies).

Re: Relationship advice. Please help.
MathTeacher #1664743 04/22/11 09:14 AM
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I started playing the piano at the age of 8 and started playing chess soon after. I started playing serious tournament chess soon and was pretty successful in my age groups, in my country. Then soon came a time when I had to make a choice: music, chess or Physics. I went with Physics but after 5 years of that (I still maintained the other two), I wasn't completely satisfied. I'm now enrolled in a graduate program in Cognitive Science. I play the piano every day, sometimes I get less than an hour a day, sometimes its 2 and on lucky days I get 3 hours to play the piano. I don't play chess anymore but I'm looking to get back to playing. I'm married and have a loving wife and we have a great relationship. I found out that its never about the availability of time but a matter of prioritizing. I prioritize time with my wife, grad school, piano, and entertainment (watching movies, youtube, etc) in that order and I think I manage just fine.

Re: Relationship advice. Please help.
MathTeacher #1664746 04/22/11 09:24 AM
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I know a guy who loved jazz music..his wife didn't appreciate his hobby..so she threw out all his jazz LP collection..so it was a case of
"the hobby or me" find someone who shares your passion..or you'll forever be banging heads over this issue..

Re: Relationship advice. Please help.
MathTeacher #1664749 04/22/11 09:27 AM
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Originally Posted by MathTeacher
Originally Posted by theJourney


Are you saying that I should just make my piano my wife???


I am suggesting that ask yourself if you want to risk it to come to that, and if not, that you consider setting your priorities accordingly. Life is about choices and when we obsessively clasp and cling onto something then this can preclude other possibilities. We can't have it all. Most adults experience periods in their life when their hobbies go on the back burner. It is easier to take up practicing seriously when you are 43 and the kids are out of the house than it is to find a wife and start a family when you are 50.

Re: Relationship advice. Please help.
MathTeacher #1664752 04/22/11 09:30 AM
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Find someone who has her own passions and interests, and is comfortable being away from you while she pursues those interests, during which time you can pursue yours. You can then get together between those times.

Many artistic or professional couples do that, and it works for them.


Piano teacher.
Re: Relationship advice. Please help.
MathTeacher #1664766 04/22/11 09:54 AM
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It seems to me that you've already made the choice of picking chess and music over the girl, so move on and break things off. If you were really serious about the relationship, you woulnd't be asking the question.

Re: Relationship advice. Please help.
boo1234 #1664772 04/22/11 10:09 AM
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Originally Posted by boo1234
It seems to me that you've already made the choice of picking chess and music over the girl, so move on and break things off. If you were really serious about the relationship, you woulnd't be asking the question.


So almost everyone agrees that I must choose the girl (who has no interests in my hobbies) or my hobbies; I can't try to have both in such a way that minimizes the damage to my piano skills and the damage to the relationship, right?

No, I have not made the choice yet. I think I should also mention that there is something very specific that I look for in women, which occurs in about 1 in 10,000, and she has it. If I give her up, I may never find such a woman again.

Last edited by MathTeacher; 04/22/11 10:14 AM.
Re: Relationship advice. Please help.
MathTeacher #1664779 04/22/11 10:21 AM
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Originally Posted by MathTeacher


So almost everyone agrees that I must choose the girl (who has no interests in my hobbies) or my hobbies; I can't try to have both in such a way that minimizes the damage to my piano skills and the damage to the relationship, right?


Go back and re-read my post. Don't glance at it and basically ignore what it says, as you appear to have done. Here it is again:

Quote
Find someone who has her own passions and interests, and is comfortable being away from you while she pursues those interests, during which time you can pursue yours. You can then get together between those times.

Many artistic or professional couples do that, and it works for them.



You can have both.


Piano teacher.
Re: Relationship advice. Please help.
MathTeacher #1664780 04/22/11 10:21 AM
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Originally Posted by MathTeacher
this particular woman is one of physical attraction...

Originally Posted by MathTeacher
... there is something very specific that I look for in women, which occurs in about 1 in 10,000, and she has it. If I give her up, I may never find such a woman again.

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xeh7wn_gerard-manley-hopkins-the-leaden-ec_creation

Re: Relationship advice. Please help.
MathTeacher #1664786 04/22/11 10:38 AM
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You obviously have your priorities: piano and chess. I don't see how you think a "relationship" can survive if the woman in question has to take second place to pastimes which she doesn't appreciate and pastimes which are scheduled in such a way that your attention to her is limited by the clock.

Moreover, basing the relationship primarily on physical attraction seems pretty shallow, to me, and shows a considerable lack of respect for the woman. Surely "1 in 10,000" deserves better. Perhaps that's all that you want out of this relationship, but you're certainly not building it on a foundation that would last.

It's your choice; I don't see what we can add except our opinions. This is mine.

Regards,


BruceD
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Re: Relationship advice. Please help.
MathTeacher #1664801 04/22/11 10:54 AM
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Be Advised: my opinion is of that of a 58yr old man..if I were 28..I'd be less interested in making the piano top priority or chess!
however at 58..I show women the door! at my age
the women like what I like.. I check their hobby interests..first!

Re: Relationship advice. Please help.
BruceD #1664805 04/22/11 10:57 AM
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One thing you said brought me up short, that you might never find a woman as suited to you again.

The thing is, you very well might not. You don't want to make a mistake you're going to regret forever.

My first answer was kind of facile, but if you genuinely care for this gal maybe you should ask yourself why you evidently don't enjoy spending time with her as much as you enjoy piano and chess. If in fact this is not true, that you don't enjoy these things more, then there's something else at work here...

Can I ask if perhaps you're an asperger syndrome type? Is it an issue of what you feel more comfortable doing? Safer perhaps?


Last edited by cardguy; 04/22/11 10:58 AM.
Re: Relationship advice. Please help.
MathTeacher #1664810 04/22/11 11:10 AM
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Girlfriends/boyfriends come and go. Piano is forever. I turn down every opportunities to date since I have decided to focus on the piano. But it maybe too extreme to you...

Last edited by feebee_liszt; 04/22/11 11:12 AM.

The notes I handle no better than many pianists. But the pauses between the notes - ah, that is where the art resides! - Schnabel
Re: Relationship advice. Please help.
MathTeacher #1664815 04/22/11 11:22 AM
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This is extremely odd. You say the attraction is physical and that the woman has an attribute that you may never find again. What could possibly be so important about a physical attribute that it overrides the fact that she doesn't have the same interests as you? IMO men don't usually mature till about age 30 (feel free to argue, guys!), but by age 28 you should realize that physical attraction typically fades. People change a lot physically over time, so physical attributes are a poor basis for a relationship. Whatever that "1 in 10,000" thing is that you insist on looking for in a woman is severely limiting your search, and can't possibly mean as much as what is inside the lady's head and heart.

If your attraction is purely to her body, then you aren't looking for a wife or a girlfriend, you're looking for a sex toy. If both of you are good with that, you might have fun for a little while, after which you can go back to concentrating on your piano and chess and she can go her own way too. It doesn't sound like you are remotely in LOVE. If you were, you would feel just as compelled to be with her as you are to be with your piano.

I've been married to a musician for 30 years. Often we practice at the same time, in separate rooms. Simple.

It's fallacious to assume that having a relationship necessarily means "going on dates." It means being with another person under all sorts of circumstances, which do not have to be formally planned. It means doing the things you normally do in your life, but having this connection and companionship with another person. It might happen in short bursts or it might mean whole days together. It depends on the two of you.

Elene


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