Piano World Home Page Forums Our Most Popular Forums Adult Beginners Forum Torn in half - need advice

Here's the problem. I'm 57 years old, quite deficient in talent but quite determined. I don't play well though that hasn't stopped me from playing whatever I could manage to learn after my fashion. After a good deal of searching I finally found a qualified piano teacher. The trouble is lessons haven't been what I expected or rather my reaction to them hasn't been. I feel guilty at my lack of preparation though some days I practice as much as four hours. I feel guilty at not having time to keep up the pieces I've left in limbo to study the pieces my teacher wants me to study. Right now I'm not enjoying practicing much (I used to) and am actually avoiding it which isn't like me. I feel I'm learning from my teacher but perhaps not as much as I'd hoped. I don't feel we've formed any kind of personal bond. Paying for my lessons is pinching a bit at this time and I feel guilty at cutting into the family finances. I'm torn between breaking off totally and continuing. I really don't know what to do. I don't know if how I feel is normal or not. I don't feel I'd miss my teacher if I left - I do feel mild regret as what might be if I continue with her.

Sounds like Dolly Parton summed it all up:


D-I-V-O-R-C-E !


Wait a minute, didn't she also say, "Stand by your man" ?

Hi Frycheck,

You’ll figure out what to do. When you didn’t have the teacher, your practicing was an enjoyable pastime at your own pace. Now, you are under pressure to perform to someone else’s expectations other than your own. We tend to pull-back or withdraw when we feel overwhelmed by something or too much pressure or stress.

It will be fine, whatever you decide to do. I wish I could play as well as you!

Take care,

Rick

That troubles me the most in your post. It's possible it's just a coincidence, but it's also possible that it's your new teacher and lessons that are causing the dissatisfaction. How long have you been taking lessons from her? Have you had a discussion with her about your dissatisfaction?

To me, it's very simple: Don't spend money on lessons you're not enjoying and/or that you're not getting as much out of as you had hoped. But I realize it probably isn't as cut and dried as all that.

I think you meant Tammy Wynette.

Rick

Although I have a LOT of music education in my background, I've had this same experience, which is why I have hesitated to take lessons this go-around with the piano (it's been about six years since I restarted).

It sounds like perhaps there is a disconnect between your goals (what you want to play) and your teacher's goals for you. I am guessing that she is giving you pedagogical-type material that you find boring or unfulfilling, so you are not enjoying practice and that is why you are avoiding it.

Or it could just be a personality thing.

Have you discussed this with her? It might be interesting to do so. You're the customer, after all. Though I know it's difficult.

That sounds like a tough situation. Maybe sharing with your exact feelings candidly with your instructor would help.

I've just started lessons after a long time being "self taught" (but mostly not really practicing, just playing). I can sense similar frustrations but, in my case, I do have a connection with my teacher and I do see some improvements. Yes, it's tough having to undo some bad things and work on things that I don't believe are the most important. But I'm in it for the long term and believe I'm on the right track.

And that is the most important thing: Do you believe you will improve better with a teacher or not? If not, it's a no brainer.

Let your teacher know about this. Would you prefer to learn a different style, or with different songs? Maybe that could be the switch you both need to get everything comfortable again.

It's not as if there is one way out there, nor only one set of songs. I'd quit on a teacher if they were 'forcing' me to learn songs I didn't enjoy - and I have, too!

Don't let a small passing like this ruin your lesson experience. Before all else, discuss it with your teacher and ask if there is another way you can both approach the lessons.

You're obviously not punching the air and shouting yippee! after each lesson. Find another teacher, don't be shy in making an exit.

These are questions for you to think about; you don't have to answer them here, unless you want to.

What do you hope to accomplish through taking lessons? Are formal lessons the best way to reach those goals?

Does your teacher know what your goals are? If not, why not?

Why are there any guilt feelings over anything you do or don't do in regards to piano? Is there someone else besides yourself that you're trying to please with your piano playing?

Would a different teacher work out better, or is it just lessons in general that don't suit you? I don't think you should jump in with another teacher until you know why this one isn't working.

I'm not trying to sound down on lessons, because I take lessons, and I love them! But you don't, and you need to figure out why you don't. If you loved your lessons, you probably wouldn't even be feeling bad about their cost cutting into family finances.

Gosh, I don't punch the air and shout yippee after each lesson, but I don't do that after each practice session either. Neither event would cause me to quit though!!! I have had horrible lessons and horrible practice sessions....I imagine that I am a critical ingredient in both instances.
Now that you have a teacher, you have an additional individual to whom you can attribute "anything regarding your piano playing." Care should be taken not to blame the teacher (at least entirely) for this difference.
Perhaps you don't enjoy practicing as much now because you desire to "perform" at your weekly lesson in a way that you didn't expect yourself to perform on a weekly basis before?
I think that you should tell your teacher that the lessons have led to your feeling differently about practice. If your teacher is a good one, she/he will understand you and make the necessary adjustments to her/his expectations (and necessarily to yours).
I have had several "moments" like this with my teacher. They were deeper into our relationship (3 or 4 months of knowing one another), but I think both she and I gained something from the discussions.

I hear you, Frycek. Practicing is hard! If we practiced what was already easy for us, I guess we wouldn't move forward.

The advice to speak candidly, about your feelings and resistance, with your teacher seems good to me. I think these things are very well-known to teachers; very likely from their own personal struggles with them. So if you acknowledge the problem and ask for help... well, what could you lose by it?

As for the financial pinch (and the time crunch), maybe having lessons every other week might help out with both. I know at least one other student of mature years who does it this way, simply because she has more calls on her time than she can answer, with the more intensive teaching schedule that youngsters (with no other job in life) pursue. I tried bi-weekly for awhile. Now I have a new teacher and weekly lessons, and that press for time is a real issue.

Teachers also understand about the expense of a musical education, from the same personal experience. It is legitimate and honorable to open up negotiations--- just don't offer to pay with a chicken! Oh well; if you want to. Offer and counteroffer is the way deals are struck.

Maybe you could throw in a bonus lesson once in awhile, as you have money for it, and your teacher might see a benefit in being able to fill up a slot left vacant from a cancellation.

I could see it working out for you. Best of luck with it!

BTW, my new piano teacher is great. As a student himself, his time is more within my personal financial reach, and it is far less scary--- less in the way of psychodrama--- to study with him. Believe me, I appreciate that aspect very greatly. And I feel happy to help support both the ambitions of a student, and a person who wishes to have a career in the performing arts. One day, no doubt about it, his time will be far beyond my purse.

Hey--- got to go practice.

I think that while not every lesson will be stellar, you should generally feel excited about the next time you get to practice when you leave. If you don't, (or worse, you feel like giving up after a lesson!) then you know it's not working out with this teacher.

Take some time to reflect on the things that you think contributed to not feeling a "bond" form between you two. What did your teacher do that you don't like? What things did you like about them? This will help you find the right teacher for you.

Like kbk said, don't be afraid to move on. It's not an insult to the teacher if you leave, it's just sometimes the personalities don't quite mesh.

Frycek, so sorry to hear you are having this trouble!!

First and most important question (most important only because you haven't told us): How long have you been taking lessons with this person?

Oh, also, does she have other adult students?

Ok, I am going to respond to your comments little by little...



As others have said, we can't help you, and you probably can't help yourself, without articulating very clearly what it was you had expected, what you're getting in reality, and what reaction you had hoped for, and what you're actually finding.





Could it be that you are practicing too much, or practicing the wrong things?

You have heard me rant and rave about practice menus before, and I think you use one yourself? You should be able to make a menu that allows you to work on lesson pieces and repertoire pieces. But make sure you discuss this with your teacher, so that she knows how you're spending your practice sessions.

By the way, what are these "pieces she wants you to study?" Did you pick them out together, or did she pick them out for you? Do you like them?

Even if you are working on something only for learning purposes, you should like it. There's too much piano literature available at all levels to play something you don't like.

You (and I mean you, Frycek, not the generic you) should have a big role in determining what you work on. If the teacher doesn't allow this, she may not be the right teacher for you.





This is troublesome... but I suspect if you can figure out the other problems, this one will solve itself. Until then, pick some goals for yourself, small ones. For example: 30 minutes on lesson piece, 30 minutes on repertoire/upkeep piece. Whatever you do, don't stay away from the piano, you'll only regret.





Learning is a funny thing. It comes in fits and starts, and sometimes I think we cannot learn from others, that we look at others but are really learning from ourselves. Other times, I disagree with myself! Here is where the question of how long you've been with this teacher becomes very relevant. Could it be that you haven't figured out how to learn from her yet, or she hasn't figured out how best to teach you yet?





Hmm, again, how long have you been taking lessons with her?

I think it's important to have a good connection to one's teacher, so this is a big thing. Is she condescending at all or negative? If so, leave right away. If not, see if there's anything you're missing, and maybe try to open yourself up and see if she responds.

I can see how torn you are. But with regard to the last statement I quoted here, "what might be" will only be if you benefit from the lessons and feel motivated to practice. If being with this teacher makes you want to stay away from the piano, then clearly leaving this teacher is the best option.

But, if you may go through this thread and answer everyone's questions (even if only to yourself) and decide you want to try a little more with this teacher. If you do, consider giving a time limit, say "I'll try it for 4 more lessons" or maybe 8? and then decide. During that time (if you decide to try this) tell yourself that you will follow all the teacher's instructions, try it her way, and put 100% effort into that. At the end of whatever time you set for yourself, reassess, and if it's just not working out, quit with no regrets.

Best of luck to you!!!

And a big hug (((((((((FRYCEK)))))))))))

Frycek, I'm 56, so I'm right there with you. In my case I am self-directing because of the expense of lessons.

Sometimes I think we forget that the teacher is working for us. It would be great if we could have the relationship with the teacher that we want, whether that is coach or mentor or friend, especially since we are sharing something so personal as making music, but I don't think it happens that often. If we go into the lesson feeling that we have to impress the teacher, or fearing that we are letting the teacher down, then that's probably the wrong attitude. The lesson is about you and for you and not about performing for the teacher. I kind of feel that what is really important is what happens when we practice, not when we take the lesson.

After all, you are paying for the lessons, not the other way around. If you are not getting what you want then have a talk with the teacher and ask for a change.

Sam

possibly you could work it out where you can take a lesson every other week or once a month.

+1 million.

Great post, Shiro.

-Frycek you sound just like I did 6 weeks ago when I split with my newish teacher of 10 months. I had hoped for the excitement and depth of learning I had gotten from my previous teacher. I was learning a decent amount from her even though her personality and mine didn't mesh. I kept saying to myself that I needed to work harder and that I was just being the spoiled child for not enjoying my lessons and my work at the piano. I talked myself into sticking with it even though I was becoming progressively more miserable. And like you, I was beginning (for the first time in my life) to loath practicing. That was when the warning bells went off in my head. I have always loved to practice. Once I quit, I felt a huge sense of relief. Within 2 days, I was hungrily practicing like I always had. I am enjoying my hiatus from lessons but I plan to hook up with another teacher soon.

Don't be discouraged about taking lessons. You just need to find the right teacher, someone who understands what you want and whose style is encouraging and makes you happy. Keep looking and sampling until you do. You will be very glad you did.

Nevermind . . . Rickster beat me to it.