Piano World Home Page Forums Our Most Popular Forums Adult Beginners Forum overly sensitive I'm sure but....

So..... I had a Christmas party on Saturday. My neices husband plays guitar and sings wonderfully. We had a blast listening to him and then joining in on a few festive tunes. A good time was had by all.

I didn't expect or want to be asked to play. I always say no so people have stopped asking - which is perfectly fine.

However, the next day when my mom called to thank me for a wonderful evening she says.. "Well it's nice to FINALLY have some talent in the family" Now I don't claim to have any talent - what I CAN play is only after 8 years of lessons, hard work and is intermediate at best and since I don't play for people how can I expect them to know anyway.

My issue is that my mom knows how much my piano means to me but never mentions my 'hobby' or ever asks me about it or makes any comment whatsoever. I gave her a CD of Christmas music last year and she barely mentioned that it was 'nice'..... I know I'm being overly sensitive and after all I'm all grown up now but somehow my feelings were hurt.... silly me...

That was very insensitive of her to say that to you. I would feel hurt too. If you are more assertive than I am (LOL) maybe you should let her know that you were hurt by her comment.

I feel you have no reason to be hurt. Your mother was appreciative of the entertainment. Public performance, which you decline to provide, is a talent. Playing for others is simply not your musical direction. That is not positive or negative statement. Perhaps it is better to not deny talents of others in that area. My reaction is that your mothers comment was not directed at or about you. Familiy is hard sometimes. I don't get it right a lot of the time. So if I am off base, sorry. I hope you find reason for joy in your music, and not reason for hurt. Good luck.

"So..... I had a Christmas party on Saturday... when my mom called to thank me for a wonderful evening she says.. "Well it's nice to FINALLY have some talent in the family" "

Hmmm... you need an end game for this. Anyone knows better than to offend the host of a party in their own home. It sounds like a feint--- she's mad about something else that she knows good and well is none of her business, so she goes for this instead. Well. You may be better off not knowing. One of my siblings was not pumping out grandchildren fast enough to suit my mom, and...

"We had a blast listening to him and then joining in on a few festive tunes. A good time was had by all."

Well, that's the real point of a party, isn't it--- I'd say you did better than average. And frankly, both as host and adult child, it's often best to "overlook" a guest's gaffe, and assure them you had a wonderful time thanks to their presence. That is unanswerable. It's kindest to forget any little problem.

You might treat yourself with the same consideration you would give a guest--- they don't owe it to you to play; you are not a bill collector, and your job is to help them feel comfortable and welcome. It goes for you just as much.

Congratulations on your party!

You are right. I certainly do appreciate the ability of others to perform publicly and given my lack of confidence in this area, should be the first to recognize it as true talent. Although I'm not asking my mom to recognize talent in me...just to show some interest in my piano journey. Thank you for your comments.

In the same situation I would have felt hurt, also. As most gaffes are, it was probably inadvertent. She probably has no idea that you even care what she thinks about your piano playing, or how her comment came across to you. It was probably meant purely as a positive comment about your neice's husband.

Or do you suspect she was being deliberately hurtful?

no...she would probably lose sleep if she thought I was hurt... It certainly wasn't intentional. My family thinks that if you want to play...then just play! Studying classical music...reading all those notes is a waste of time - true musicians can play by ear. I've had similar thoughts over the years but I love the challenge of what I do.

Ah, I see. Then it looks like you're just going to have to live with that one. I have similar problems with my parents on other subjects.

I'll just go now and waste my time some more...

[quote=IPIBAHN - My family thinks that if you want to play...then just play! Studying classical music...reading all those notes is a waste of time - true musicians can play by ear.[/quote]
Well, I think that explains a lot. It's unfortunate. She probably then doesn't care for classical music at all, and also wouldn't be able to tell even excellent playing from poor -- thus not making any comments about your cd.

It's also possible that she has felt hurt that you won't "share" your playing with the family. But with mindsets like that I think it's best to not even try to figure it all out, she simple doesn't understand. I'd try to convert your 'hurt' to pity for her.

I'd have been hurt or a little angered, sometimes it's esasier to react and be hurt by a flippant or thoughtless comment than a intentional slight. Seems like the person should know you better, but she may feel the need to express too so, take it with a grain of salt. Maybe mention that "there always WAS talent in the family."
She'll understand.

You're not being overly sensitive. And your mom knew EXACTLY what she was doing when she said that. The only excuse being either she has alzheimers or is just deranged.

I can relate to what you are saying IPIBAHN - Sandy. I don't really have advice, but I will say you are not alone in experiencing this sort of event. Don't take it as an insult, as Ten Left Thumbs said, it's more of a gaffe... a social blunder... at least I would assume.

That sounds like the kind of thing my mom would say. Some people are just that way.

My father-in-law once "defended" me to my husband, who was giving me crap about what I was eating, by saying he shouldn't fuss at me since "Well, she was fat when you married her!"



Another thing that *might* be going on is that, since he's the niece's husband, she doesn't know him all that well, and playing and singing is a major thing she knows about him. She's known you since before you could play, so it's not a major part of "you" in her mind...

What you should do is to wait until she has a get together in her house, and someone else brings something to eat. Make a big deal out of it, and say, "Finally!! Someone can cook around here!"

j/k. don't do that.

Brilliant!

"no...she would probably lose sleep if she thought I was hurt... "

You say that like it's a bad thing. It seems to me there's something to be said for it. "You know, you kind of hurt my feelings a little the other day at the party, when I didn't play. My self-confidence about my playing is kind of low, when there are so many people listening. The niece's husband really was a great performer, though. I was so glad to see you there, having such a good time enjoying the music. I wish I could entertain an audience like that."

Personally, there are a number of barbed comments I might have been tempted to use--- so tempted. I dare not mention them here. But a little frank heart-to-heart with mom--- nothing too heavy-duty--- might help, if that's what it takes for you to let go of it.

You can toss and turn, or she can; take your pick. Or... just give it up on your own (thus the strike-thorough in the text--- the part you could leave out). You think she's going to change? Think again. Accepting the inevitable with an even-tempered smile is the more graceful, and happier, way. Even the greatest performers have faced scalding criticism, some of it motivated by nothing better than envy or plain ignorance.

The only real problem is, if you let it stop you.

I love it! but could never say it!

You're not overly sensitive at all, Sandy. If an acquaintance or friend made such a comment, sure, perhaps, but this was your mother, and mothers are generally people we try to please or impress. What's more, if we can't count on our own MOTHERS to brag on us, who CAN we look to for praise?!

Actually, the comment your mom made bothers me less than the story you told about the CD you gave her. This was the Christmas CD *you* recorded, right, Sandy? As such it represents a whole lot of hard work and time, and it's such a more thoughtful gift than yet another pair of slippers or box of candy. So for your mom to barely acknowledge your CD is puzzling and disappointing.

It took me a few years of therapy, a couple of thousand miles of separation, and (eventually) my mother's death for me to finally come to terms with the fact that she and I weren't able to live up to each other's ideals of what we wanted in each other. It didn't mean we didn't love each other, only that family relationships are often messy and fraught with expectations and hopes, both realized and unrealized.

True but so sad. I gotta make up with my mom (j/k). She's the best person in my life. I love her. Just don't know when I can make her a recording LOL...

It must be jealousy? I don't know. My husband and step-daughter call my playing 'banging' and never ask me to play something for them or ask me how it is going. God forbid, if they ever bragged on me. Are they being rude? YES! I am a thoughtful person that tries to take every opportunity to lift people in my life up. If my husband or step-daughter were learning something so meaningful TO THEM, I believe I would recognize it and then I would make sure to support them. But No, I get nothing from anyone, not my husband, not my sister, not my step-daughter, not my MOTHER! And it hurts and they don't care! They just don't care enough about me to every once and awhile say something nice. Well, I am not feeling the same about people. I am doubting my worth to any of them. I know this sounds so angry. I am. And reading about the op's CD, and the rude remarks just makes me even more angry. They are 'withholding' and it is selfish. My piano is so much more to me than just a piano. It is a big part of my life, a joy that I am thankful each day for. And if anyone knew me; really took time to know ME, they would be showing some understanding of that. Banging...if I hear that again, someone is going to get banged! Man, I sound so mad! I'm really very kind.