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This thread goes on my "all-time PW favorite thread" lists. Love these stories... Greg, I was howling at your story about little Biff. And I truly enjoyed the special treat of a sneak preview of your forthcoming book, Robin... can't wait for it to come out!

p.s. I know what you mean about the other forums being scary. (Except, of course, for warm and cozy AB forum. ) I still haven't recovered from the time I admitted that I liked Trans-Siberian Orchestra on the Pianist Corner.

Hey Monica! You're right, AB is a safe haven. And inspiring! There is something so moving about adult music students. Gives me faith that the world is an okay place.

I'll bet you have some on-deck wedding players hanging out over there!

HA! I love the Trans-Siberian Orchestra comment. On this thread, we'd think that was a wedding band for an Eastern European reception.

Friend of the prisoner or friend of the poet? At least the vodka would be good.

I really miss listening to Marian's Show. I've had a rehearsal scheduled on Wednesday evenings for years and years now. She is so delightful. I suppose i could arrange to be sorting socks or sewing buttons while I have a listen.

I'm sure there are many people who would enjoy your sense of humor Robyn. Some of our most pedantic posters have sly wits. Some of the forums get absolutely NOOOO traffic. I've been trying to drum up business for the organ forum to absolutely no avail and our 'Who's Who at Piano World has only 7 topics.

This is probably my first post ever in the nonclassical forum (and I'm likely to get laughed out of here).

Speaking of Who's Who, I'm going to ask Lang Lang if he'll join Piano World when I see him on Sep. 15th. ya never know.

"Some of the forums get absolutely NOOOO traffic. I've been trying to drum up business for the organ forum to no avail..."

No kidding, Apple... is there really one? This is the first I've seen it or heard of it--- and I love organ.

understandably, the organ forum gets little traffic. This is afterall, Piano World. There is an organ forum elsewhere. (www.organforum.com) Not a lot of traffic there, but considerably more than here.

i digress... back to the tattoed bride.

Wow, what a great thread--pulled me out of long-time lurkdom! I've been laughing hysterically on every page.

I've only played one wedding--my nephew's. They asked me to accompany another nephew and a friend who were singing a duet during the ceremony. No problem, I play for singers a fair amount. Then they wondered if I'd be willing to play the Wedding March for the processional. I said I could, but asked if they might be willing to let me try to find something a little less traditional, with their approval.

They said OK, but suggested I brush up on the wedding march just in case. Well, to make a long story short I ran out of time to really find anything suitable as an alternative so figured I'd just do the wedding march as originally requested.

But...I don't know what came over me. During the rehearsal as the bride entered, I launched into "Hey, Look Me Over." I was laughing hysterically. The bride looked completely panicked. I pulled myself together (which took a bit of time) and we did the wedding march and all was well.

The wedding ceremony was lovely. I only smirked once or twice from my piano bench in the choir loft.

Nina, your post caused me to laugh out loud, not an easy task at the crack of dawn (I'm writing from Germany). "Hey, Look Me Over?" That's a riot! See that's what I mean, sometimes these things just slip out, it's like stream of consciousness gigging.

What was the duet piece your nephew sang? I'm always intrigued by the songs people choose for the Big Day.

Apple and Jeff, I'll bet there are some church organists with excellent wedding stories. I was in a wedding a million years ago where the bride FORGOT to hire an organist—she had ordered 6 billion dollars of flowers, and enough chocolate wedding cake to feed the entire Squirrel Hill section of Pittsburgh, but she forgot about music. (Where's the clipboard lady when you need her?)

Knowing that I had the cocktail piano gig at the Pittsburgh Hyatt, she tried to get me to go play the church pipe organ, but—even though I was 21 and crazy enough to try just about anything—I had the sense to say no. I am clueless when it comes to organ. I have enough trouble with two hands, add feet to the mix and I'm askin' for trouble. Anyway, we marched down the aisle to complete silence.

I am a service organist and do weddings and funerals. I really don't enjoy dealing with brides. (maybe a tattoed one would be ok). They are so emotionally needy and so a gaga over themselves and their love and their dress, and their makeup and so into the planning process. Why they think the organist wants to hear how they fell in love is beyond me. Perhaps, confused, they think I would be a soundboard.

In spite of a contract, I've had little luck in keeping my hours contributed to a manageable level. How can you turn down a crying bride who needs to change the music even tho rehearsals have been conducted with soloists? How do you extract money from a bride who's fiance has decided not to go thru the wedding? How do you deal with a mother in law who wants to bribe you to change the music as a surprise for her son?

and then there are the organs which are never played except for weddings and their volume pedals are stuck on super loud.

I played my first wedding in 7th grade. I was soooo scared. I hardly knew how to turn on the organ, much less use any pedals or choose which stops to use. I still made 50 dollars which was a fortune in 1969. That's when my parents decided I could well afford my own highschool tuition.

Funerals, tho somber, are much easier to deal with logistically..... sometimes the level of grief is overwhelming. I've gotten thru a couple without giving into my sorrow, only to go home and cry the rest of the day.

Anyway, I'm delighted to find yet another book to ad to my music book collection, and look forward to reading it.

Yes, Apple, the only way to get through some of these weddings is with a bullet proof sense of humor. Sounds like you have one.

50 bucks in 1969 was indeed a fortune. Iplayed my first gig in 1976 and made 50 bucks a night, five nights a week. I was 18 and it seemed like a million dollars.

I didn't get on the wedding circuit until I moved to Europe and cracked the high society wedding market, something that happened because I got a steady weekend gig at a castle that is renowned for weddings.

There is no such thing as a "normal" wedding. For most women, a chance to be queen for a day is a once in a lifetime event, and most of them work that diva thing to death. I have pretty much figured out that when the day comes, they have no clue what I play, how I play, or whether or not I even manage to show up. But most of the time I play background music for the reception or dinner. It's a different deal if you're playing the ceremony, like you, Apple. Tension City.

I'm still laughing about "Hey Look Me Over."

Don't get me started on funerals, except to say that in 2004 I played a funeral and wedding on the same day. I'm working on writing about that, but I'm not sure I can pull it off—what a mix of emotions.

i've saved many of the anecdotes i've shared on this piano forum and others in a 'maybe this will be a collection of short stories' file. This was a funeral I attended but did not play at. As a bit of preamble, I live in Kansas City and the Chiefs are a football team.

-----------------

A brother of a friend of mine, a fireman with a gambling and drinking problem, committed suicide in jail after being picked up for driving under the influence.

He lived in on the northwestern side of the metro where houses are pink or black, crumbled, surrounded by wild dogs, or may have a full sized Chief's logo painted on the side of the house, covering the windows. Tattoo parlors abut homemade churches of questionable denomination and the roads have no curbs or drainage conduits.

William was a fireman and a bagpiper. The funeral was well attended by sturdy legged firemen whose pants were way too tight, who sported handlebar mustaches and shaved heads, and probably had Harley-Davidson wannabees in their detached sheds. After the ceremony, 25 firefighters gathered in the vestibule with 8 fully dressed bagpipers. The Church was fairly small and the vestibule was maybe 12' X 12'.

A fireman said "We will sound the final alarm for our brother William". They had brought at least 8 BIG brass bells (the kind that used to ring in firehouses to call the firefighters and dangle above the front of the trucks). The 8 bells started clanging, reverberating the church of stucco and tile, the bagpipers started playing, and the huge old church bell above us started peeling. For at least 3 minutes this unbelievably loud cacophony sounded. The congregation was clusted at the back of the church by the firemen and bagpipers. After about a minute of this wonderful noise, everyone broke into the most unfettered sobbing I have ever witnessed. Not a person was spared from the racking sobs of utter sorrow. It was a total group thing.

When the clamor died, one of the firefighters said, "Dang it - Bill owed me ten bucks". The very elderly mother of William opened her purse and gave the firefighter a ten dollar bill which he stuck in his pocket.

I couldn't believe it.

"Hey, Look Me Over" is not so bad. "Farewell Mein Lieberherr" could have popped out of your subconscious, and what a number to walk down the aisle to. No--- no one could walk to that. One must slither.

"Why they think the organist wants to hear how they fell in love is beyond me."

I know, Apple. The only thing to do is fight fire with fire. If you interrupt with a story of your own.... Get out pictures of your grandchildren, it does for brides what garlic does for vampires. Or excuse yourself, saying your cellphone vibrated and the call turned out to be important and private in nature.

"How can you turn down a crying bride who needs to change the music even tho rehearsals have been conducted with soloists?"

Say yes, and play the original music as rehearsed. Brush off the bride with some excuse afterward. They're going to cry anyway, what difference does it make why? Or just say no to begin with; I refer to my previous remark. This is what matrons-of-honor are there for, that and when the bridesmaids need a referee.

"How do you extract money from a bride who's fiance has decided not to go thru the wedding?"

Advance payment? A signed contract backed up with a visit to "Judge Judy"? It's worked for wedding photographers, bridesmaids' seamstresses, wedding DJ's, limo drivers, and caterers... and some episodes were juicy. Bridezilla does not translate well in front of Judgezilla. In fact, we may have put our finger on the very problem the groom had.

"How do you deal with a mother in law who wants to bribe you to change the music as a surprise for her son?"

You say that like it's a bad thing--- I would do it. Everyone loves wedding surprises. I say, go along--- that is, if the bribe was big enough, and in cash. Tell the bride you didn't think she would want to get crossways with her mother-in-law right from the jump; it is unanswerable.

Oh well, at least these are fantasy "Weddings from heck." There's a TV show of home videos of real wedding disasters. One poor bride shut the limo door on her dress, and it peeled off, taking her train and a good bit of the back panel with it. (I don't remember if they went through with the ceremony.) Members of the wedding have taken a header down the church stairs or gotten drunk at the reception and reeled into the band, knocking it flying. Face-plants into the wedding cake, a mishap with a mud puddle, that thing where they dance with the wedding couple hoisted on chairs (so hazard-prone)... the video quality may not be up to network standards, but it's gritty reality. Low, no doubt, that others (such as myself) can laugh at the misfortunes of others on their Big Day. I tell myself that the syndication royalties can pay for a second honeymoon.

I can't even try to top your funeral story, though. Especially the ten bucks.

Jeff, this should be in a wedding music text book. Why don't they teach this stuff in music school?

"Smile, nod, and play what you want to play" is probably a good rule for these things. You can kill yourself learning some awful song and then no one even notices when you play it.

I once had a bride give me list of 60 songs (!) to play for a one hour cocktail reception. Imagine.

My dad always joked that musicians should be like chefs and have a menu.

funeral musicians have menues.

I have a funeral choir ... old ladies and men, (one with emphysema and an oxygen tank) who willingly go to every funeral and sing their stock songs. They sing it their way, with Kansas 'r's, ancient rhythms and the occasional wobbling descant. A family may choose from about 50 appropriate songs.

I inherited this choir as well as the songbooks that they cut, pasted and taped together long ago. Once I tried to introduce a few new songs to them. We had a rehearsal and included them in the list of available songs, taping them into the songbooks. When we actually sang one, they just sat down during the service and looked at me with great reproach... Apparently that was the signal they agreed to give me, to let me know that they weren't going to sing that song. (I wish they had just told me that beforehand). If I happen to forget a coda that they always do (but isn't written in the music), they cluster around to protest after the Mass (yep, it's Catholic). 'how could I do this to them?'

(Not to make fun of them, they are a great bunch of people).

LOL! There are really Weddings from heck. Instead of letting them get into your nerves, have fun. Laugh out loud.

Maybe the subtext of this wedding thing is along the same lines as hazing during fraternity initiations, on the theory that if you can get through the ceremony you'll make it at least to the seven-year-itch. Or maybe they think that suffering though it will make you turn to God--- after all, you're right there in a church.

It might work in some cases. Or it could backfire.

To be fair, I have to say that my niece's wedding was a real blast, every single minute of it. No one could have been the more polar opposite of a bridezilla. The floodwaters had only receded from New Orleans for a scant year, but she wanted to do her part to help the town recover... and she wanted to do what she could to bring all the branches of the family together, and all her buddies. It was an unlikely job, but she made it a stunning success.

Everything was fun: the meals, the rehearsal dinner, the ceremony in the garden of a truly fabulous antebellum mansion, the music and dancing (three different ensembles for before, during, and after). I drew video-camera duty; the bride thought of everybody--- even the staff at the mansion--- and remembered even those who weren't there. My mom had very badly wanted to be present, and we had moved heaven and earth to make it possible... but her health took a turn for the worse, and the skilled-nursing facility where she lived said, "No way." But Mary didn't forget her. As she came down the spiral staircase in her wedding gown, she stopped for a moment in front of the camera and said, "I love you, Mimi," and blew her a kiss. Then she was off, down the aisle.

I took the video back to my mom in Birmingham the next day, and she watched it over and over, over and over, holding some of the roses from the bride's bouquet.

A week after I got back home to California, she passed away. So we all got to meet again.

There must be some species of magic in the kind of person who thinks in such detail, and with such caring, about everyone else's experience. Seven years have come and gone, and her husband still loves her. We all do.

Is there a name for this? What, the bride anti-zilla? I wonder if this would make it in syndication...

Angel-bride, that's what I would call her. What a lovely story, and what a gracious young lady she must be. Thanks for telling us about Mary and Mimi. I love this.

Best. Response. From. Pianist. Ever.

For my own wedding, my little brother (age 11 and already a complete smartass) suggested that, instead of the Wedding March, it would be much more appropriate for me to come down the aisle to the strains of the Imperial March from Star Wars (Darth Vader's theme). My darling groom thought this was a spectacular idea. I can't believe the man has survived for the past 27 years. I was no bride-zilla, but this I did veto.

PP, you were absolutely no Bridezilla!

Jimmy Ciongoli might be the funniest pianist I've ever known. He worked with my dad for decades. He is now retired and living in Arizona, and arthritis has forced an end to his playing (he's about 80). But it makes me happy to know you appreciated that comment!

What stories!

i didn't realize there was a first page to this thread having bookmarked the 2nd. (lots of laughs)


I own a 10 yr old girl and dutifully watch girlmovies with her. This might have slipped under your radar Robyn but it's right definitely on topic. it is a sequal to the Prince and Me, a delightful story where a doctor wannabe from a Wisconsin Farm meets the Prince of Belgium and they fall in love.

The royal wedding, the sequel, is a blast... a royal cousin (what a shrew she is, tries to sabatoge their weddin and steal the prince.. lots of shenanigans including the bride wannabe falling into the mud.

they are actually pretty good movies if you are female. (the prince is absoLUTEly adorable)