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Hi,

I have a problem with a parent and I am hoping that you may be able to help me handle this in an appropriate manner.

I have a mother, who questions my teaching and picks me up on minor things just about every week.(One example - I was chastised about writing in the "wrong place" in the homework book. I accidentally did not write on the very next clean page.)

She is also heavily involved with the children's practicing, and, on occasion, has the children (there are two) working ahead in the book and doing what she thinks they should be doing and not what I have asked that they do.

This constant scrutiny is really getting to me and slowly eroding away my confidence.

I am a mature-age student teacher (teaching under supervision - still studying with an excellent teacher).

This parent knows of my student status and I am wondering if this is influencing their behaviour towards me?

I really enjoy teaching the children and they are coming along nicely, however this parent is really getting under my skin and I can feel the flutters of anxiety starting, days before they come for their lesson.

I put a lot into my teaching and I take it very seriously. My parents sit in on the lessons and this is non-negotiable (as per my request).

All suggestions gratefully received,

Best,
Grace

I'm sure your student teacher status has something to do with it. Have you discussed this with your own teacher? This is definitely unacceptable in my eyes.

I'm sure you do take it seriously, and I have no doubt that this parent is making you feel less than adequate. I have been teaching since 1994, and still run into parents that seem to like to *try* to make me feel inadequate.

Sorry to say it, but here goes. I used to have that policy too. I used to have those problems with some parents too. I have since changed it to "you are welcome to observe once a month or so" and almost all those problems have gone away.

I know it seems helpful to have parents there, but there are usually more problems than not with this situation. Since I have changed my policy, the kids are more confident (no more looking over their shoulder to see if mom is "happy", even the tears stopped with the little ones, and there are none of the very, very quiet tsk-tsk's from mom).

Sorry to be the bearer of "bad news", but I do recommend that you revise that policy for your own good. This is not intended to be bossy, just experience from an "old timer" lol.

It sounds like you are on your way to becoming a very conscientious teacher.

I am happy to hear that you are doing your teaching under the supervision of your teacher. S/he should be able to help you solve problems like this and possibly act as a go between if you are teaching in his/her studio.

But since you have asked us for some advice...I'll share some thoughts.

You are in charge. Remember that.

It is rather a stupid comment about where you write the lessons. Mom is trying to pull the apron strings and CONTROL you at the same time.

I think I would have ripped out the offending blank pages had that comment been made to me! There, says I...it is now on the next blank page.

I would also, as soon as possible, suggest that the teacher/student relationship be reinforced with no parent involved during the lesson.

As for going ahead in a book...how about supplying a supplimentary book where the student / momandstudent can have something to learn on their own without venturing forth in the teaching books?

I hope that you can work this out. It sounds like you are becoming a very good teacher!

Hi Grace,
It's nice to see that you insist on parents sitting in on the session. I had been involved in my son's group music lessons when he was 4-6, then when I transitioned him into private lessons at 6, the teacher asked me not to be in the room while she was teaching (my six year old!) (I am not a problem parent). We had to communicate via a notebook, and she would mark the pages he was to practice. This frustrated me as I was working with him throughout the week and had no idea how she was teaching him as I had to wait in the waiting room during the lesson. After 6 months I pulled him out of lessons at his request, and am teaching him myself. Soon he's going to need a piano teacher, though, because I don't want him to learn my bad habits!

Maybe you need to re-adjust your policy regarding parents to a case-by-case basis in terms of what is best for a positive experience, for you and the student. Don't kick all parents out though! Some of us like to be involved.

Some of us are comfortable with parents sitting in, others are not. For me, I like it, because the parent knows exactly what we've covered.

When parents verbiage borders on the "out of bounds" area, I make a general comment, usually beginning with a "shhhh" and followed by (depending on parent) "No more comments from the peanut gallery, please" to "We need to give student some time to think about the answer (or whatever). They're on the hot seat and that often causes students to pause a bit." And always with a big smile.

If the parent persists, I add, "There'll be a test for both students in the room."

As for the pieces the mom went ahead and work with the child, in a way it is good to be ahead. But if you feel that is not comfortable for you, I would suggest assigning MORE pieces, perhaps instead of 4, make it 7 pieces. That way, you can gauge how much more the student can actually take with full supervision at home. Sooner or later, the mom won't likely be adding any more than what the child can handle.

Grace:

Age has some factor as well. Since I'm (quite a bit) younger than the parents of my students, I have experienced some "talking down." The worst offenders are the helicopter moms who think they know how to teach, and they try to tell me to teach this and that.

Not surprisingly, the younger parents (those who are closer to my age) tend to be more on the same wavelength as I am.

Just try to be more assertive. Draw boundaries. Don't let the parent cross the line without repercussions.

A quick "Shhhhh" works wonders because parents dislike being corrected in front of their children.

You could phone this particular parent and state the following: "Sometimes, I feel you don't trust my ability as a piano teacher. Is that the case?" Pause at this point. Bite your tongue. Count to thirty. Leave it entirely up to the parent to respond.

But really, you've got to get the parent out of the lesson. Sorry to pianogal37, who disagrees with me now. But once you put your child in lessons with the next teacher, you may be in a better position to let go, and leave the responsibility of learning in your child's hands.

Thank you to everyone that replied.

I really appreciate it very much. I have taken into consideration everything that has been said here and have made a few decisions.

The first one is to call my parent and speak to her in a kind and thoughtful manner. I will be interested to hear what she has to say.

The second decision is to change my studio around, so that my parents are not in the same room, but they can still easily see the piano and their child.

I will take on-board the more experienced teacher's opinions here, and I feel that it would be for the best. I will do this during the Christmas holidays, as it will take a bit of re-arranging. I will offer the parents the choice to sit in every 4-6 weeks or so as was suggested earlier.

I am meeting with my supervising teacher in 6 days time and we shall speak about this further.

It is such a comfort to be able to come here and speak freely and know that you are understood. I thank you all once again.

Best,
Grace

I had to take piano pedagogy courses to complete my degree requirements... my student was difficult, never came prepared, and her parents were clueless. Her dad even thought that I was a telemarketer when I called to schedule a makeup lesson (because they blew off a lesson) and he hung up on me. In my case, I just ignored the parents' behavior. In this case, I'd probably call her out on it because it's disrespectful to your time, but that may be an unwise career move. Talk to your teacher.

No matter how long you teach, there will always be a parent or two who knows how to push your buttons. Learning how to speak directly is a great skill. I don't think it will be ongoing once you confront it. She does it because she can.

There's a show with a dog trainer - actually a dog behavioral specialist - called "The Dog Whisperer." He always says you have to set "boundaries, and limitations."

Those were the first words that came to my mind while reading this thread.

I think you teachers need a "Parent Whisperer."

Hi Grace,

You've read advice here from one side of the spectrum to the other. Some teachers keep the parents out of the picture almost entirely and others insist on their presence while dealing with the 'problem ones' individually. You'll continue to refine your approach as you gain more experience and more insight into your own developing style.

For me as a parent of a younger one, I would not choose a teacher that used hard and fast rules applied to every situation. A teacher who would not use me as a resource in the musical education of my kids is a teacher I would not use and would not recommend to others.

I should add that these are my "general rules". There are exceptions. I tell parents that they are welcome it sit in the same room once a month or so, they are still sitting within ear shot when they are in the waiting room. So parents that want to help at home (pianodad ) still know what we're working on, but there is no worry on the child's part that they are not meeting the parent's standards. These kids know the almost imperceptable sounds that parents make (I'm a parent, I make them too, lol) and most kids react whether they intend to or not.

I have one mom that sits in on every lesson, we have discussed her son's ADHD issues and have agreed that it is best for both student and teacher, in this case, to have her nearby.

The kids can't see them. That makes all the difference in their confidence and maturity levels. I can't tell you how much it has improved things with most kids. This gives them much more ownership of their lesson time, and most kids rise to the challenge.

I would have to respectfully disagree with Candywoman, I don't feel that six year olds are able to take in and process all elements of a half hour lesson to the point that they can remember to practice those techniques throughout the week with no guidance, and a note to the parents saying "Practice pieces A, B, and C" doesn't help at all.

I personally don't see any problem
here. The parent is essentially
acting as an unpaid assistant to
you, so you should be grateful for
all of her free help.

Hey Grace -

I suppose I stand in the middle of parent involvement in lessons. I have experienced both extremes - parents who know nothing about music and leave it entirely up to me and those that are breathing down my neck. Most fall somewhere in the middle. When asked if they can sit in on lessons I allow them to, and usually after a couple they leave it up to me. In the case of an ADD/ADHD or autistic child, it is usually preferable that they do sit in.

Only once in my 20+ years of private teaching have I experienced an unbearable parent. Total nut case. I was relieved when she discontinued lessons. Then called some months later thinking I was someone else! lol

I think this person may be a bit like my overbearing parent. Criticizing the notebook page! No! Really?!

Your youth may have something to do with it, but how rude. No excuse for being so condescending to you. You are the teacher. You deserve more respect.

Your solutions sound good. I wish you luck, and hope for your student's sake you can remain as her teacher.

Joan

Amazing. On top of not being paid enough, now this. I can only tell you how I would handle it and that would be either to give the kid the boot, or tell the parent to back off.

The answer is simple. If more is learned with a parent present, observing in lessons and helping at home, I WANT the parent there.

There are very few parents who want to be in the lessons week after week, as the weeks turn into months and the months turn into years. Often the younger students tell their parents that they feel they are ready to work only with me.

In general, the amount of things that my six year-old students can either get wrong, between lessons, or not absorb completely, in lessons, is huge. I weight parental involvement totally on whether or not the parent is helping.

We should be up front and explain that age plays a huge factor, for the teacher. I'm old enough to be the PARENT of most of my "parents". That makes every very different from when I was 20 or 30. If I need to "pull rank" and "gently put a parent in his/her place", I can do that.

I think John mentioned much the same thing.