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P.S. did you see my PM?

Programming is my first love, though, and I'm still helping my daughter with some of her ideas. So, I have plenty of options to keep me busy.

But I always kept playing music. So I keep music also as a job option in the back of my mind (maybe more of a dream), just knowing it's one of the harder fields to land a promising career in.

To chromaticvortex, I see your point. I agree that moving up one tier usually means better outcome, especially within the same brand. Here the thing is tricky, because:
1. G2 is larger than C1;
2. G2 was renamed to C2 with some improvement (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Yamaha_Corporation_products#Grand_pianos). But I do not fully understand the improvements if exist.

I didn't encounter any case (between any pair of pins) that had a spectacular change in resistance ---- such as flipping from 'infinite' resistance to zero resistance, or vice versa. There were even no cases encountered for occurrences of regular resistance (eg. 3k) flipping to zero resistance across any pair of pins.

Eventually, you will need to use your foot for the pedal— so you might consider not using it to tap the beat. If you can’t internalize the beat, stick with the metronome.

That sounds more like using a metronome to set the tempo rather than to keep the rhythm steady. Someone who does not play with a steady rhythm could easily end up tapping their foot to what they play or not tapping their foot steadily. IOW if one is using the metronome to keep the rhythm steady one should generally keep it on while practicing.

Congrats on the new K200 ATX 😊. Pics please when it is delivered!

. . . in most cases studio monitors don't sound very good, flat frequency is chosen as a common ground for mastering, but that doesn't mean it sounds good, in fact to most people it would sound harsh and fatiguing.

*I’d caution people not to attempt to diagnose someone via the internet, even slightly. Only a licensed, trained, & certified professional can & should make mental health/psychological diagnoses.*

That said, I’ll attempt to comment from a solely pianistic/technical point of view.

Reading your description, I wonder if it’s possible to practice too much; to become so analytical, that you brain doesn’t have one single way to perform the piece set in stone & to rely on. So that when you perform, you have so many unsettled/unofficial/un-secure ways of playing the piece, that you don’t have that one way wherein that near-subconscious, muscle memory means of performing takes over. You say you practice “additive, backwards, transposing to new keys, blocking, hands separately, slow-fast alterations…”; well, have you ever just tried practicing one way….play it slowly, find a fingering that works, stick with it, get it up to tempo…and there’s that. As both a performer & occasional mentor/teacher, I’ve never been a fan of the “play it forwards, play it backwards, transpose it, block it, separate hands, choreograph arm motion like a dancer” etc. means of practicing. It’s so over-analytical that it doesn’t allow for the “settling in” of a piece that needs to happen. This over-analysis method has always seemed odd to me for this very reason: it causes the pianist to be obsessive about the method of practice, and that becomes a block to performance beyond practice, which is perhaps why you don’t have this issue when you practice, but only when you perform. Performing requires that you have a way of playing a piece that has become near-subconscious, where you don’t have to think about the technique. And that only happens when you find how you’re going to play a piece, stick to that, perfect it, and do it the same way each time, technically. That way, all you have to think about is the music. I think it might be helpful to change your practice style.

I also think some people have made some great points about practicing in a way that you wouldn’t perform, or becoming too much of an observer of your own playing. Over time, your brain becomes automatic in how it processes what it’s doing. When you start trying to actively involve yourself in that near-subconscious process, it’s possible to throw yourself off. Sometimes, when I show a person how to play a piece, if I try to play it slowly, I have a memory lapse, I forget what is coming next, I’m unable to play it slowly. However, if I play it up to tempo the way I would perform it, it comes right back. Too much analysis & observation can ruin things.

It also sounds to me like you’re freaking yourself out. Sounds like things aren’t “magically” or unexplainably getting worse over time, especially if you don’t have the issue when you practice. It seems like you make a mistake on a difficult part when you’re performing, then you start to obsess over that mistake & over the “difficult part” so much that, every time you have to perform it (not practice it), you’re obsessed with the previous mistakes, and obsessed with getting it right, getting it perfect, & not making a mistake. That fear & obsession is freaking you out. And I think you need to sit with that & find out why. Give yourself permission to make mistakes. Even the greatest of the greats do it. You listen to old recordings of the masters play, and even their studio recording had mistakes. This “hyper perfect” performance world will live in is powered by recording processes where people splice their recordings together (sometimes hundreds) and do take after take until it’s right, or by live performers who are like robots mastering every technical issue but lacking any music. I don’t think you want to be either. You’re only human, and from that humanity, comes what inspires music.

May I also say: some have suggested stage fright (a form of Anxiety) or Anxiety as a disorder. I will not attempt to diagnose you, but I will say that, as a person who A.) actually has Generalized Anxiety Disorder & takes medication for it, and B.) is a regular performer who deals with it’s manifestation as stage fright every time I have to perform…what you described doesn’t sound like that. Panic attacks, hyper-ventilation, racing heart to near tachycardia, nausea, gastric disturbances, fainting, vomiting, depersonalization, a feeling of a loss of physical/mental control, retreating, uncontrollable anger or sadness…those are symptoms of Anxiety as a disorder (of which stage fright/performance anxiety is a type). Horowitz being white as a sheet, nearly mute, unmoving, & having to literally be pushed on stage because he was freaking out before a show is a sign. Argerich pacing backstage, hyperventilating, complaining of fever, crying, and canceling shows last minute is a sign. Having a “mental freak out about a particular part of a piece”, getting scared and skipping a difficult part or messing up, but still being physically fine, mentally fine, able to walk on stage without fear & being able to finish the concert without any other disturbances except worrying about a difficult part of a piece doesn’t sound like Anxiety, Performance Anxiety, or Stage Fright to the point of disorder, i.e. not something that requires psychological/psychiatric assistance. And if this isn’t manifesting in any other area of your life, then I don’t think this is some sort of psychological disorder, and I’d caution you to take those suggestions as just that: suggestions.

That said, if you have these kind of “freak outs” in other elements of your life, panic attacks, feelings of illogical fear & fight/flight, real physical symptoms before you go out to perform, or if this is impacting your ability to live a healthy life, then perhaps you should see a therapist. And if you feel you’d like to see one just to rule some things out, I think that’s a good idea, too. Consultations can always help.

Good luck & happy playing!

1. Arturia KeyLab 88 MkII (Cheaper lighter controller with onboard sounds)
2. Kawai MP 11 SE -Studio stage (heavy, use Roadies)
3. Kawai VPC1-Soundless piano controller with no knobs (also fairly hearty, stylish)
4. Nord 5 Stage - manual knob/slider stage piano with limited functions
5. Roland RD-2000 - Multifunctional stage piano
6. Studiologic Numa X Piano GT -Cheaper lighter controller with onboard sounds

Thanks a lot,
P